chop to it!

One more chopping day 'til Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

A Christmas Miracle

Michelle replaced the toilet paper roll!!!!!!!!!!!! Hallelujah!!!!!!

too hot

I hate it when you get all bundled up to go out Christmas shopping... happily throwing on layer after layer because god forbid you should be cold while flexing your shopping muscles! A shirt and a sweater and another light sweater over that and then a big puffy coat and a scarf and a fuzzy hat and those really long woolly socks. Warm. Oh yes, warm! But, by the time you're halfway through the mall you're sooooo hot and you cant take off your coat because your hands are full of shopping bags and you start to sweat and then you get in yet ANOTHER check out line and then you REALLY start to sweat and you want to take your coat off soooo bad but now you cant because you have even more bags! AND THEN you get on a bus with a bunch of other people jammed together with all THEIR shopping bags and their giant winter coats and its soooooooo god damn hot in there and then it gets so steamy in the bus that the driver cant see our the windows because they're all fogged up and....

i hate that!

salvation

We have a salvation army bin on each floor of our building at work where they are collecting canned goods. I passed one on the 3rd floor yesterday that had Pop Rocks. AWESOME! Just add a can of soda and HAPPY DAMN HOLIDAYS!!

Das Boot

I saw the weirdest TV show this morning. Its called "Knitty Gritty" and its on the HGTV channel. I just happened to be awake this morning at 6:30 am with nothing to do so i turned on the ol' boob tube and plopped down on the couch with a nice big cup of steamy hot coffee. I was watching HGTV last night before i went to bed so that's the station that came up. KNITTY GRITTY! A knitting show! Are you kidding!? heheheheheheeh....People tune in to watch knitting?? The guest for the day was showing how to knit Christmas presents. One of her ideas is to knit this GIANT BOOT and fill it with candy canes. I'll just tell you now...if you were thinking of either buying me a giant boot or even better...knitting it yourself? And stuffing it with candy canes? Save your pennies. The only person who i can think of who MIGHT like a giant knitted boot is... a cat. So if there's a cat on your list this year tune into Knitty Gritty tomorrow morning. There's sure to be an exciting new project they'll like.

Football injury

Oh my aching back! I'm injured! I got a football injury! I have pretzel syndrome. From football! Well, not technically an injury from PLAYING football as one might think from the headline on this guy. But the injury DID occur during football on Sunday. I was sitting on my couch watching football coverage for approximately 12 hours straight. I like to sit with my feet up on the couch next to me in sort of a v shape. I lean the elbow of my left arm on the throw pillows on the far left side of the couch. And kick my legs out next to me. Ahhh.. so comfy! But i have to tell ya, sitting in that position for 12 hours? With only a few bathroom breaks and a short timeout for a sandwich? Makes for a human pretzel when you finally emerge from the couch. I may be on the injured reserve list for next Sunday. I'll try the ol' tiger balm and a few stretches to get ready... but the boys might have to go it alone.

details

They made us take a personality test last week at work. Not sure why. Maybe to see if any of us are going to lose our cookies and go postal? The results came back that I'm characterized as the "absent minded professor." According to the test I'm in my head a lot and am a bit of a dreamer. I see big picture but details? Eh, who needs details. I took these results with a grain of salt. Who could really know me from answering a few stupid questions on a piece of paper?

Yah, well... apparently that stupid piece of paper knows me pretty well. This morning as i was walking out the door heading off to work i heard Michelle call to me from the hallway.
"Hey! Aren't you uncomfortable?"
"Huh?" i replied. No, I'm fine, why?"
"Your V-neck sweater's on backwards. I think the V is supposed to be in the front."

Perhaps the absent minded professor title isn't so far off...

kitty casanova

Every morning when my cat Roscoe wakes up.. uh.. shall we say.. he's a bit amorous? His purrrrr is so loud it shakes the windows and he crawls onto my chest and does that thing.. you know.. with his paws. Where they try to put a million tiny puncture wounds in your skin? Seemingly to deflate you? or get you ready to marinade? But that's not the worst part. He's a kissing cat. Oh yah, you read me right. A kisser! He lays on my chest and snuggles up right below my chin and tries to give me a smooch. He's occasionally slipped me the tongue when i wasn't looking. AAAAAAAAAAAACK! NO MORE KITTY CASANOVA!

THE TABLE

My mom has a table that she inherited from her grandmother. She is storing it at my aunts house here in the bay area. My niece wants the table that my mom inherited from her grandmother for her new apartment in LA. So that poses a question. How to get the much sought after table from the bay area to LA. Oh i know! Why don't i rent a big SUV and drive it down thanksgiving weekend? Perfect! Problem posed. Problem solved.

oh wait... its Thanksgiving weekend. Every mom and dad and baby are renting SUVs this weekend to go see their long lost relatives. But don't worry, there's ONE left! ONE shiny SUV waiting for me on the lot. Excellent! My niece will have her family heirloom. Oh wait, they don't have any of the super sized SUVs on the lot. Just a tiny one. In the back. With no hubcaps. Well, ok.. i guess we can try it.

I'm also responsible for two pies for the family dinner. Stay tuned to see if the table fits, the four chairs fit, the two pies fit, the 5 suitcases fit, the dog fits, the dog's bed fits, the camping gear fits (that's another story), the and if Michelle and finally...IF I FIT.

skinny jeans

Hurray! They fit!

squirrel

Michelle is visiting her mom in Florida. Apparently her mom has a bit of a squirrel problem in the backyard. So she got some plastic snakes and spread them around to scare the squirrels.

Here is Michelle's email verbatim:

No ones afraid of the plastic snakes any more... Mom saw a lizard sitting on the back of one sunning himself!

Oh and get this! They bought one that expanded when you add water... Well it rained... But he just grew into a big mushy log... So they brought him in... He shrunk back to size and now scares any critters that come into the garage.

There are real snakes here too... Thankfully i haven't seen any yet.

H1N1...to mask or not to mask...

This mask thing is getting a little out of hand...

activia

After all these years, Jamie Lee Curtis can finally stop running. Turns out Michael Myers was just irregular.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

skinny people...

Halloween isnt quite as fun when you live with a skinny person. I came home last night and saw a small plate with about 5 expensive looking dark chocolate squares on it. "Yumm, chocolates!" i said as i reached for a square. Michelle slapped my hand away. "Those are for Halloween!" I looked at her for a second. Then looked at the 5 small pieces. "For the kids?" I asked? "Kids don't want dark chocolate squares. They want Nerds and Milkyways and yummy fattening things!" She walked away shaking her head. "Too bad," she said, "Dark chocolate is better for them."

Sigh, i'll just have to hit the stash at work for my Halloween fix.

snuggy

I was in line the other day at the local Walgreens pharmacy to get a soda and some gum. The line was super long. So long that it kinda wrapped around the store. Down the candy isle, into the razor section and back up near the counter again. What could possibly be the hold up? Should i just leave my gum and soda on the counter and walk out? I really wanted that damn soda. I nudged the guy in front of me and asked, "hey, whats the hold up?" He turned around and rolled his eyes as he explained, "See that lady? she wants to return her SNUGGY. She wants a different color."

The moral of this story is...In the land of Snuggies, all colors are created equal. They are all equally hideous.

the lift

Michelle brought her little blue VW bug to the shop yesterday. She left Banjo in the backseat while she talked to the mechanic. She described the rattling and the bumping, the grinding and the jiggling, the hickup-ing and and the neck snapping jerks. The old German mechanic nodded as he listened to the symptoms and then grinned and grimaced and calculated and planned. Michelle felt satisfied that the man understood her dilemma and that her baby blue bug was in good hands. She paced for a few minutes and then wandered off to the find the ladies room. Upon her return she realized she didn't have Banjo at her side. Where'd the dog go? The car was high above her on the lift and worker bees were rushing around underneath it unscrewing and re-screwing and unbolting and re-bolting. And there was little Banjo. High up in the sky. Staring down at her with panic filled eyes! I guess the guys in the shop didn't realize there was a doggy in the car. Up she went! Spun around! And down she came! What an exciting adventure! All is well, the bug is fixed, the doggy survived, and Brett Farve is a rock star. Nice way to start the week.

It's the bunny!

Michelle and Banjo and I, yet again, loaded up our little blue VW bug with sleeping bags and a tent and headed off to the "wilderness" for a camping adventure. As it neared sunset on Saturday we decided to go for a little hike. Michelle was peppering me with tidbits about how animals like to hunt at dusk and how Puma's might spring out from behind a tree looking for a tasty meal! I was watching the path closely as we climbed a hill. Just then! I saw it! A HUGE hungry animal! Probably the size of an SUV! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! I pointed and yelled! It was a MONSTER! And it wanted to eat us!!!!!

...and then the little fella with his tiny cottontail hopped off the path back into the woods.

Eyebrow

If i could go back in time and visit my younger self...the one thing I'd tell me is not to over pluck! I'd say, "STOP! Those little hairs over your eyes wont grow back! When you're old you'll have to use an eyebrow pencil and draw on your own expressions!"

Champs!

Lets all sing it together! "We are the champions, my friiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeend...dah, dah, dah, and we'll keep on fiiiiiightin' til the end"....dah, dah, dah..."We are the champions, WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS...of the wooooooorrrrld...er...Berkeley Rec C League..."

big

The Mighty, Mighty Woodcocks are playing for the championship tonight. Go Woodcocks!! We're supposed to wear our Berkeley Rec softball league t-shirts that we got at the end of last season. But our fearless leader Ben only got them in extra large and XXL. I ended up with an XXL because i got to the pile late. I figured i could just use it as a night gown. I hadn't planned on actually doing any physical activities in it. But what the heck. I'll wear it. Maybe i'll throw on some earrings, a belt and some stockings and look stylish on first base.

If the tent is a rockin'

We went camping this weekend. The campers across the way were...shall we say...a bit amorous toward one another. We know this because Banjo kept sneaking over to watch the tent bounce. Them folks were some happy campers!

the state of the economy

Due to current economic factors the dogs in the neighborhood have had to postpone grooming appointments. Makes for some killer Afros!

Me and the French lady

This morning i took Banjo out for her morning walk and ran into our French neighbor with her little dog Peugeot. Here is our conversation:

Me: "Good morning! Good morning, Peugeot!"
French lady: "Good morning! Good morning, Banjo!
Me: "How is her leg?" (Peugeot has been limping for few weeks.)
French lady: "I don't like to comment."
Me: (blank stare)
French lady: (smiling at me with matching blank stare.)
Me: "Well, her leg seems better."
French lady: "I don't like the commute."
Me: (blank stare)
Me: (completely confused) Ok, bye bye!
French lady: "Bye bye!"

All laced up and no where to go.

Michelle got a couple new pairs of sneakers for us. We're the same shoe size so that's pretty handy! When i opened the box there were two sets of laces. Each a different color. Two sets? Humm...I thought maybe it was a new style. All the kids are doing it? So i wore my new shoes with two sets of laces...at the same time. Tuff to lace them. Kinda floppy and hard to walk. But, hey, i want to be cool man. Don't want to stand out and seem like i don't know whats cool anymore.

Later, Michelle alerted me to the fact that the laces were to choose from. Not to wear at the same time. Bummer man, I'm not fashionable. I'm just a big dork.

pick

Sometimes when I'm in the elevator alone at work I might, you know...give the ol' snozzola a little pick. I do it really quick between floors. Don't wanta get caught mid pick. That would be embarrassing. I was thinking about it today. There are cameras in the elevators, aren't there? So some security guard somewhere is watching me. Gross. Poor fella. But then i thought, "I'll bet they play the elevator footage at the annual Christmas party." And I'll bet they hoot and holler every time I pick. Probably have a counter going. Maybe they even turn it into a drinking game! Sally the security guard has to take a drink every time one of us worker bees puts a finger up a nostril. Maybe Sally gets to drink so many times due to over pollination that she gets really loose and hooks up with Big Dave, the under ground garage guard! And maybe that leads to dinner and a show, later a romantic wedding in Napa and maybe even Big Dave Junior and itty bitty Sally........So, keeping that in mind, from now on i wont be ashamed to pick. I'll pick away!

I saw one!!

I kinda feel like i saw the Loch Ness monster today! Or Big Foot! I actually saw a cop eating a donut! Well, it was just a meter maid...but still! I saw one! I thought it was an urban legend that cops just sit around getting plump eating donuts. But nope! Its true! Its really true! I saw her drive by in her little three wheeler with her mouth WIDE open getting ready to munch down on her pink frosted treat. I guess its fine, really. Meter maids don't really need to be in shape. They don't chase criminals down dark alleys and climb over chain link fences. Although, i would imagine sometimes they need to be able to duck when angry city drivers throw their parking tickets at them.

high five baby!

I went for a run at lunch. What a beautiful day! I was so happy its Friday that i gave ALL the other runners i saw a high five. Only two of which returned the hand slap. An interesting social experiment to be sure. I find that runners as a breed are generally cranky.

Dracula

The neighbors downstairs were cooking something horrible last night. HORRIBLE! Something with about 20 pounds of garlic, i think. And we discovered this because there's some sort of escape valve from their kitchen extending straight up thru our hall closet. Now all or our clothes smell like little italy.

Burger Joint

I decided to run home from work yesterday. I wasn't feeling all that spiffy but since i didn't go to the gym i figured i could use my commute as my workout. I got about a mile into my jog when things started stirring in my belly. And some tummy cramping started to effect my stride. I popped into a Starbucks for a quick sip of water to see if i could calm the savage beast below. It worked. I felt a little better so i continued on my path. But then, a few blocks down the road...it hit. Like a freight train! The dreaded Diarrhea!!! I had to act fast! No time to mess around! I pursed my cheeks together to prevent an accident and ran straight into the closest business...Burger Joint. That's the real name of the restaurant. I'm not trying to protect the identity of the establishment. I ran past the patrons enjoying their double deckers with cheese. Avoided eye contact with the employees at the counter and ran right into the bathroom. Thank goodness the women's room was vacant! I closed the door behind me and can only imagine what the customers thought as they heard the most EXPLOSIVE diarrhea in the history of the world. The sounds that erupted from my body were not of this world. This is my official apology to those of you who were enjoying a nice dinner...especially the ones with the chili burgers.

obesity

I live in fear of being in that stock footage they show on the news whenever they talk about "fat America."

dog collar

Michelle has been on a bit of a spending spree lately. Not for me. Not for her. For Banjo. Last night she showed me all the dog collars Banjo has now. Apparently Banjo needs different collars for different occasions. With GLEE she pulled out the beach collars, and then the fancy collars for fancy time and then... get this.. her PAJAMA collars! Now remember, Banjo isn't a Paris Hilton little Froofroo dog. She's a mutt from the pound. I love her to death but really, Pajama collars?

Beans

My mom and sister were up visiting last week. It was my mom's birthday on Friday so i took them to see the Broadway musical "Wicked." We decided to go to Tommy's Joint for dinner before the show. Tommy's is a San Francisco landmark. Mom and sister were really dolled up for the show. Really dolled up! About half way through dinner..."PLOP"...a spoonful of baked beans fell off mom's spoon directly onto the front of her blouse. She got a little water and a napkin and cleaned it the best she could. Then sister gets up to use the restroom and runs into a bus boy who was carrying a to-go bag full of baked beans. What are the chances!? The container fell on the floor and "SPLAT!" Beans everywhere! Including all over sister's dress! Well, we cleaned the dress the best we could and went off to the show. I sat between them smelling their lovely perfume of baked beans. I think the entire audience left the theater craving beans without having a clue why.

Parallel

There are two things in this life that will surely get a laff outa me. The first is when people fall down. Boy, howdy! I cant resist that one! Makes me laff everytime. Even if i'm quite sure there's a broken hip in the deal. I just cant stop that giggle from risin' from my belly. The second is a bit less obvious. I get the biggest kick outa watching people try to parallel park. In San Francisco parking is at a premium. There just arent enough spaces for all the cars to occupy. Especially when the outa towners show up. Michelle and i will spend countless hours in the window just watching some poor soul try for the 12th time to get into that peanut sized gap. Ooooh! Thats a good one! We'll even yell to each other the play by play if one of us has to leave the room. "Hey, he's crankin' it too far to the left again! Here he goes! OH! He smacked the bumper! Nope!! Has to start over!"

Oh man! Nothin' better!

latchkey

When i came home the other day i heard Michelle yelling in the hallway. "I'm stuck! Help!" Michelle has taken to wearing the house key on a chain around her neck. I guess so she wont lose it? Well, this is what i saw as i rounded the corner. The key was stuck in the lock and she couldn't pull the chain off over her head. Trapped. To the front door. I'm uncertain how long she was like that. But i know she was relieved to see me and to have me remove the key from the lock. She still wears the chain with the house key around her neck. Sometimes i wonder about that little lady.

hairball

We're having a hot spell in San Francisco. That means the animals are shedding. All over the house! In fact, i think the couch is shedding and the walls are shedding and the pots and pans are shedding. Its a very hairy household right now. So yesterday Michelle got tired of brushing the critters and grabbed the hand vac!
I'm sure you can imagine how well THAT went over!

water

I discovered today that I'm incapable of drinking from a fountain. It goes right up my nose and then dribbles down my chin. I'm not sure why its so difficult for me. I tried a few times and each time i got the same result. Water all over my face and down my shirt. Perhaps its my grandma's fault. I remember when i was a little girl being at the park and my grandma telling me never to drink from them because there was some water fountain disease or something. And then there was the time at the golf course with my dad when i went for a drink and there was a bee on the spigot. Almost stung my nose, that guy! And there's a distant memory of my older sister telling me some strange story that there's a boxing glove in them and when you lean in they POP YOU right in the chin. So i guess in retrospect I'm a little skittish and just not that practiced at the fine art of water fountain-ing. Next time I'll just buy a bottle of water and be done with it.

diaper

Can you get diaper rash from sitting on your ass all day in front of a computer? Because, seriously; i think i have diaper rash.

skater

My friend Andrea emailed and said that she'd like us to take ice skating classes together. She wants to join an adult hockey league. She's played before so she would be on the experienced team. I would have to be on the beginners boom boom team since i've really only skated a few times and that was YEARS ago when i was limber and able to fall without breaking my neck. She sent me the link so i could decide for myself if it was up my alley. While i was perusing the site i came across adult figure skating classes. I started off with a giggle as i read what we would learn and then fell into a full throated belly laff. Can you imagine? They actually choreograph a routine for you! And you perform it! In Oakland? In front of the homeless guy in the third row and the snack bar attendant? I think i'll pass. But i will go out and cheer for Andrea and her clan of toothless vixens!

Happy Birthday America

I just wanted to share with you what we see in San Francisco on the 4th of July. They spend thousands on these elaborate fireworks shows over the bay. But with the very punctual fog that arrives every year on the first day of summer... this is all we can see. Just some pink-ish, blue-ish, purple-ish clouds. Don't get me wrong. Its pretty. But i was thinking maybe they could use the thousands of dollars differently and just give us each a sparkler.

NAKED

While we were in Portland we ran across a strange ritual. Apparently, once a year there's a naked bike race thru the city. Uh... OUCH!!

uh oh

Oooops. I got fat. I ate and drank my way all the way up to Portland and back. But wow, was it worth it!!?? What a beautiful coastline Oregon has. Every inch looks like a Bob Ross painting. Happy trees. Gorgeous seascapes. Green pastures that just keep getting greener. It was a great trip. My favorite stop along the way was a German restaurant in Coos Bay. The host was a German gentleman in his 70s who turned out to be the waiter as well as the bartender. And, yep.. surprise, the chef as well. He showed us to our seats, poured our drinks, took our lunch order and then rushed back to the kitchen to cook up my schnitzel. He offered us dessert but i was afraid he'd run off and bake a cake so we just said thank you and asked for the check. You really must visit him if you're in the area. I think it was called the Blue Heron? Something like that anyway. Just look for the out-of-place Hansel and Grettle cottage in the middle of town.

Now its time to lace up the running shoes...

Portland Bound!

Tomorrow's my birthday. Hint, hint. Yes, presents are welcomed. I wont be here to thank you for a few days. Michelle and Banjo and I are packing our bags for a road trip up the coast ALL THE WAY to Portland! Whooohooo!!! Batten down the hatches! Oregon here we come!

soap

That's a drawing of a bar of soap sitting in a soap dish on my bathroom sink. What i would like to discuss today is the shape of the bar. Notice how its sort of dipped in the middle? That's how they come now. I guess they wanted to make it easier to fit the contour of your arm? But i wonder if they noticed that the arm is the only place it fits? My face isn't shaped like that. My belly isn't shaped like that. My legs SORT of have that shape. Except that they're really BIG. Perhaps soap companies think the only spot on the body that needs to be squeaky clean is the forearm? Since your arms stick out of your clothes all day and other people might smell them? I would like to make an appeal to the soap companies to go back to the olden days. A nice flat bar. We can scoop out the middle if its a problem.

Busy bee

Hi guys! Sorry i haven't been very chatty this week. I've been a little busy.
And add a migraine headache to the mix and you have a pretty cranky piggy.

Unfold

Yay!! Michelle washed some sheets!! Yay!! But we have a mystery unfolding here. When she went to get the sheets outa the dryer she found the glass portion of a pair of eyeglasses. Just the glass. No frames. She held them up to her eyes and could see perfectly thru them. Thus, surmising that these are indeed the lenses from her glasses. But the question is, where are the frames? Perhaps they're not from her glasses at all and someone else in the building has the exact same impaired vision that she has and have since found the frames but not the glass? And how in the world did the spectacles get in the laundry in the first place? We shook out the sheets to see if they had somehow been trapped in the folds. Nothing. We're just left wondering. What really happened to load 447?

hot!

Last night i put tiger balm on my sore leg. I didn't think to wash my hands afterward. Around 9pm as i was watching "So you think you can dance" i felt a smoldering.. uh... in my private area. It started slow and suddenly built up to a bon fire in my pee pee!! OOOOOH!!!!! HOT TAMALE! In the future, take this as a warning. No touching the privates with tiger balm on your hands.

Don't ask why i was touching my private area, nosey. Its called "private" for a reason.

Hoarder

Michelle told me that her Grandmother was a hoarder. In her older age she would wrap paperclips in plastic wrap and hide them away. I'm worried that Michelle might be showing signs that she's inherited the hoarding gene. Each time i go to change the sheets on the bed i ask her where the sheets are? And she inevitably tells me that we don't have any. How can we not have any sheets? Weird. And the last few days I've been asking what happened to the bath rug? I told her that the bathroom floor is getting filthy. Her response was, "Yah, its ok. Its always dirty." But get this! Later, i went over to the trunk in the bedroom and opened it. There, in a big pile were all the sheets and all the rugs. What the...? She's hiding them away? Why? Perhaps she's planning her escape and needs to tie them together to climb out the window?

Mosquito coast

"Wait, I thought i threw the tennis ball to the dog..."

Michelle and Banjo and I went camping this past weekend. It seems camping is quite popular with Mosquito families in the summer as well.

Question of the day...

There was a piece of candy on the floor of the elevator when i got on this morning. It was wrapped. There were others on the elevator who must have chosen not to pick it up and eat it before i arrived. So, my question to you is...is it ok to pick up a piece of wrapped candy off the elevator floor and eat it? In front of other people? Because, well...I did.

Pedicure

"Did you need this toe?"

I don't really need to say much more than that? Do I?
That wasn't the best pedicure I've ever gotten.