Tuesday, August 25, 2009


Sometimes when I'm in the elevator alone at work I might, you know...give the ol' snozzola a little pick. I do it really quick between floors. Don't wanta get caught mid pick. That would be embarrassing. I was thinking about it today. There are cameras in the elevators, aren't there? So some security guard somewhere is watching me. Gross. Poor fella. But then i thought, "I'll bet they play the elevator footage at the annual Christmas party." And I'll bet they hoot and holler every time I pick. Probably have a counter going. Maybe they even turn it into a drinking game! Sally the security guard has to take a drink every time one of us worker bees puts a finger up a nostril. Maybe Sally gets to drink so many times due to over pollination that she gets really loose and hooks up with Big Dave, the under ground garage guard! And maybe that leads to dinner and a show, later a romantic wedding in Napa and maybe even Big Dave Junior and itty bitty Sally........So, keeping that in mind, from now on i wont be ashamed to pick. I'll pick away!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I saw one!!

I kinda feel like i saw the Loch Ness monster today! Or Big Foot! I actually saw a cop eating a donut! Well, it was just a meter maid...but still! I saw one! I thought it was an urban legend that cops just sit around getting plump eating donuts. But nope! Its true! Its really true! I saw her drive by in her little three wheeler with her mouth WIDE open getting ready to munch down on her pink frosted treat. I guess its fine, really. Meter maids don't really need to be in shape. They don't chase criminals down dark alleys and climb over chain link fences. Although, i would imagine sometimes they need to be able to duck when angry city drivers throw their parking tickets at them.

Friday, August 14, 2009

high five baby!

I went for a run at lunch. What a beautiful day! I was so happy its Friday that i gave ALL the other runners i saw a high five. Only two of which returned the hand slap. An interesting social experiment to be sure. I find that runners as a breed are generally cranky.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


The neighbors downstairs were cooking something horrible last night. HORRIBLE! Something with about 20 pounds of garlic, i think. And we discovered this because there's some sort of escape valve from their kitchen extending straight up thru our hall closet. Now all or our clothes smell like little italy.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Burger Joint

I decided to run home from work yesterday. I wasn't feeling all that spiffy but since i didn't go to the gym i figured i could use my commute as my workout. I got about a mile into my jog when things started stirring in my belly. And some tummy cramping started to effect my stride. I popped into a Starbucks for a quick sip of water to see if i could calm the savage beast below. It worked. I felt a little better so i continued on my path. But then, a few blocks down the road...it hit. Like a freight train! The dreaded Diarrhea!!! I had to act fast! No time to mess around! I pursed my cheeks together to prevent an accident and ran straight into the closest business...Burger Joint. That's the real name of the restaurant. I'm not trying to protect the identity of the establishment. I ran past the patrons enjoying their double deckers with cheese. Avoided eye contact with the employees at the counter and ran right into the bathroom. Thank goodness the women's room was vacant! I closed the door behind me and can only imagine what the customers thought as they heard the most EXPLOSIVE diarrhea in the history of the world. The sounds that erupted from my body were not of this world. This is my official apology to those of you who were enjoying a nice dinner...especially the ones with the chili burgers.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009


I live in fear of being in that stock footage they show on the news whenever they talk about "fat America."