Thursday, March 15, 2018

Gravy train

Back in the day there was a type of dog food called Chuck Wagon made by Purina. In the commercial this tiny little chuck wagon comes screaming across the living room floor, wakes up the family dog, who jumps up and chases it back into the dog food bag. What made this particular dog food so magical was that if you added water it makes a "delicious gravy." Thus, enhancing your dog's dining experience and creating a 5 star gourmet dinner. Ok, so keep that little tidbit in mind............

Michelle will commonly call me over when she's feeding the dogs and ask me to get Banjo to eat. "Banjo won't eat." She'll say, "She just smells it and walks away." So I'll get up from my comfy spot on the couch, walk into the kitchen, and take a look in Banjo's bowl. "There's water in it! Its just soggy kibble." I'll say. But Michelle disagrees with my assessment. "It's not water! It's GRAVY!"

This happens at least twice a week. Banjo won't eat, I'll get up and look, I'll tell Michelle there's water in her bowl. And she'll yell, "IT'S GRAVY!"

No wonder that dog in the commercial tried to kill that chuck wagon driver. He hated WATER in his kibble.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Bag it

I hate "self checkout." I mean, scanning the items is fun. The little BOOP sound when you hit the bar code just right is strangely satisfying. But its the pressure... man, its the pressure of the people behind you in line staring at the back of your head you and wishing you would speed it up. And, does it make me a terrible person if I admit that I really like it when they have somebody at the store bag my groceries? I hate bagging my own! I hate trying to "double" the bags. It takes me forever, I usually tear the bag in some way, and I know the people in line are watching me. Judging my technique. "Ooooh, eggs on the bottom???" And, "Do you really NEED double bags?!" The last time I was at the store I picked a really long line just because it had a person bagging groceries. It was my turn, I smiled at the... what is the correct term? "Bag attendant?" Right. So, I smiled at the bag attendant and asked for "Double Bags" and happily began the payment process. A minute later I looked up and the Bag Attendant was gone! The items were gleefully riding down the conveyor belt to get lovingly and precisely placed in a brown paper bag. But there was no one there to meet them. Just a half full bag... UNattended. I pretended to stall, acting like it was nearly impossible to fit my credit card back in my wallet...slowly, excruciatingly slow... like OJ trying on that glove... stall, stall, stall... because maybe, just maybe, if I take long enough the elusive "attendant" will come back and finish the job. But alas, he never did. It was left to me. The one thing I stood in line an extra 10 minutes to avoid. So, yes, I admit it. If you bag my groceries I will love you forever.

Friday, March 09, 2018

Curling

Some of you Lucky Porkers might remember when I used soap on my arms as lotion. I really can't see without my peepers so I go on shape and placement of products in the bathroom. Well, things haven't changed much.... Here's a conversation I had with Michelle the other day. 

Me: (holding a tub of lotion and rubbing it on my arms)
Michelle: Why are you using THAT on your arms?
Me: Because my arms are dry.... duh
Michelle: But it's a hair curling product?
Me: ?

Thursday, March 08, 2018

I'm not an Uber driver

Now that Lyft and Uber are all over the place I live in fear of strangers getting into the back seat of my car.

Weight watchers

Michelle joined weight watchers. I could stop there because that's a great punchline. BUT, I'll add this tidbit: On her first day she had cookies and said... 
"I think today will be a cheat day."

Friday, February 03, 2017

coffee

So I'm at the hardware store and I see this guy walking across the parking lot very slowly balancing a small coffee cup on the palm of his hand. He's being very careful not to spill. We are both walking toward the door and I can see that we will probably arrive at the same time. So I slow down to let him go first. As he nears the door I intentionally take a step back. He is still balancing the cup. He very carefully opens the door with his left hand while balancing his coffee on his right palm. He successfully opens the door and starts to walk through. The door swings back and hits his hand which knocks the coffee cup to the floor spilling its contents everywhere. He looks at me and says, "You're going to have to clean that up." and walks away.     ?

Thursday, January 05, 2017

Giant Check

My New Year's Resolution for 2017 is to get one of those really big checks!

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Beth

The guy at the lumber yard knows me. We say "HI" to each other. I always say "Hi, Paul!" and he says "Hi, Sara!" and we smile and wave. The last time I was there I thought he said, "Hi, Beth!" I kinda hesitated. Maybe I heard him wrong. Its a noisy lumber yard, after all. So I waved and smiled. I went wood shopping today and saw him in the distance. I said, "Hi, Paul!" and he replied, "Hi, Beth!"       Ugh. Its too late to correct him now. I am Beth.

Monday, November 02, 2015

it puts the lotion on....

Michelle is always hounding me about my dry skin. "Put lotion on!" Seems to be the three most used words in her vocabulary. Well, over the last week I was really good and put lotion on my arms and face EVERYDAY. She cant yell at me! Hurray! So this morning I proudly showed Michelle as I squirted the lotion onto my arms and rubbed it in!

She looked at me disapprovingly and said, "That's soap." 

Friday, September 04, 2015

Duck, Duck, Goose

I drove my dogs Banjo and Banana to a little lake near my house. I opened the car door and before I could put the leash on Banana (my little yellow Chihuahua) she LEAPED out of the car and ran toward the lake. There were about 10 Ducks and a Goose along the water's edge. OH NO! "BANANA!" I yelled! "STOP!" But she wouldn't be stopped. She was going to get one of those feathered creatures AND EAT IT! The ducks flapped their wings, leaped into the water and swam as fast as they could to the middle of the lake. Phew! Safe! But the Goose just stood there. He held his ground. Stoic. Banana reached the water's edge and walked up behind the Goose and.........and..........smelled his butt.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Detective

My mom sent me a little care package in the mail and inside were some documents she thought I might need like my birth certificate and social security card. When I pulled my birth certificate out of the box I noticed that the gold seal had been ripped off and taped back on. It aaaaaaaaaall came back to me...(cue flashback wavy lines and 70's music) I always loved when the detectives on TV would pull a leather wallet from their chest pocket and flip it open to reveal their shiny gold badge. They were so cool. One day while I was playing in the garage I stumbled upon something with a shiny gold star on it. THAT would be perfect to make my own badge! I quickly got work. I found some construction paper, crayons, scissors began coloring and cutting and taping and in a matter of moments I was ready to solve all the crimes of my block! I had a badge. I was a DETECTIVE! I ran into the house and found my mom. I stood before her and reached into my shirt and pulled out my paper wallet and FLIPPED it open to reveal my SOLID GOLD BADGE!            well, as you can imagine THAT didn't go over well. She grabbed my hand and took me back to the garage, found my ripped birth certificate and taped the seal back on. And that's exactly how it arrived some (a number too high to count) years later. But man, I sure was a cool detective for 5 minutes!

Friday, August 21, 2015

Above

I'm finding that my attitudes about mother nature and her creations are changing as I get older. For example this morning I saw a group of Ducks flying above me. In my younger days i would stare and marvel at their ability to fly in a perfect V formation. But now I just think, "Oh god! Don't poop on me!"

Thursday, August 20, 2015

garden party

A few days ago I injured my left calf while running. Pulled a muscle. I went to my acupuncture lady and she put 3 "tacks" in it and told me to leave them there for 2 days. She also recommended that I run through gardens.  ?

Update: The tacks are out and the calf feels great. However, to my Berkeley friends, no need to worry...I did not run trample your daisies.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Gate

Michelle and I went on a quickie vacation and stayed in a cute little cottage with a fence around the property. The gate had a key code lock on it. Each time we entered Michelle looked up the code on her phone, typed it in and presto! The gate opened! As I was packing up the car to leave Michelle walked out onto the sidewalk with her bags and let the gate swing shut. I tried to grab it, but alas, it slammed. Our phones with the key code were still in the cottage. We were officially locked out. I went into immediate Macgyver mode! I walked the 6 foot high fence perimeter and looked for the best spot to climb it. I found a corner where I thought it was strong enough to hold me. I grabbed everything we owned from the car and stacked it up next to the fence. Suitcases, bags of chips, beer, anything I could find. I finally had what I thought was an amazing architectural hodgepodge of a staircase and was ready to climb it, jump over the fence and be the hero! I went back to the car to find one last piece of whatever to pile up for the final step. And the gate was open. What the? I walked down the path to the cottage where I found Michelle inside cleaning. I looked at her with my hands in the "What the hell?" position. "Oh," she said, "I remembered the code."