Tuesday, June 24, 2014

BIRTHDAY

I tried on my birthday suit today and IT STILL FITS!!!!! 

Friday, June 20, 2014

BANJO

A typical dinner conversation in my house:

Michelle: "I've been very pleased with Banjo's Poops lately."
Me: "....?"

Saturday, May 24, 2014

clock

Michelle wakes up every morning like a puppy. Excited, excited, excited! Me? I prefer to sleep. I would sleep all day if i could but that's not an option living with a puppy lady. She hates that i want to sleep in. HATES IT. This morning when i rolled over to look at my clock radio i discovered that she taped over the actual time and wrote 10:30.

Thursday, April 03, 2014

glasses

Its official. I'm getting older. Last night was the first time i had to put my glasses on to read a sign in a dream.

Friday, February 21, 2014

skate

Every 4 years i suddenly become an expert judge of Ice Skating.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

family photo

We had a family photo shoot on Christmas day at my mom's house in LA. We did a group shot, a 4 generation shot with my mom, sister, niece, and grand nephew. And then it was time for the sister shot. I stood next to my sister Suzan and we smiled. Just as the shutter lens closed i heard my mom off camera to my right say, "Doesn't Suzan look beautiful?" What the hell mom? What am i? Chopped liver?

Friday, November 29, 2013

Hitchcock

A friend of ours posted on Facebook that there's a Hitchcock Marathon today! Michelle read her post to me and got very excited imagining all the movie characters running past her house.

Its a movie marathon on television.

overheard

Overheard while out Christmas shopping. Older couple walking together:

Husband: Ooooooooh you know what i want? I want one of those remote control Helicopters!

Wife: Yah, and then i can give you the "iFind my Helicopter" app.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Sexy

I took a break from work and walked to Whole Foods to make a little salad at their salad bar for lunch. As i neared the front door i looked into an old Lincoln parked in the handicapped spot. There was a tiny old man in the passenger seat. He was alone in the car. I'm guessing someone had left him there and ran in to grab something. He was a cute old man smiling at me so i smiled back. He slowly rolled the window down and started to speak. I leaned in to listen. He started making kissing sounds and said, "Hey looking good! smooch smooch smooch, come over here. Shake those hips! smooch smooch smooch. You're so sexy! Come here! smooch smooch smooch!"      I looked at him kinda stunned and then i chuckled and went on merry way. I have to tell you, even tho he was approximately 90 and had shrunken to about 3 feet tall, it made my day. I stood a little taller as i got my salad and proudly walked back to work with a sexy stride.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

pea in a pod

Michelle's mom came for a visit for a week. Its hard to summarize a week with Michelle and her mom. But I'm going to try. Here is a snippet of a conversation that could give you a glimpse into the wacky world i lived in:

Michelle's Mom: "What will the weather be today? should i carry a sweater?"
Michelle: "Twitter stock opened at 45!"
Michelle's mom: "45? I'll definitely need a sweater."

which leaves me dazed and confused.

Friday, October 04, 2013

Zero

Last night when Michelle was telling me about her day she mentioned that she had quite an embarrassing moment! She didn't realize the size sticker was still on her new jeans as she walked around town. I've done similar things and could understand the embarrassment of wearing a size Large sticker on my clothes. But i looked at the stick figure before me and asked, "Well, what size did it say?" "Zero," she replied. "ZERO? I yelled. "YOU'RE EMBARRASSED TO HAVE A SIZE ZERO STICKER ON YOUR PANTS?"      Jesus. I'd wear that proudly. Never take it off. If i was ever a size zero I'd wear a sandwich board and walk around town ringing a bell yelling "I'm a size ZERO!" I'd hire a plane to pull one of those banners! I'd get a TV spot during the Super Bowl! I'd invite Kirstie Alley, Valarie Bertinelli, and Oprah over for a pool party and walk around in my TINY bikini with a size Zero sticker on it and when they asked how i lost the weight i'd just shrug. It just falls off me.

Size Zero, what the hell!?

Friday, August 30, 2013

potty mouth

Advice: When you stop on your hike to pee in what you think is an empty field, make sure there isn't a college student reading a book a couple feet away.

You could really ruin that kid's day.

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Tag

Apparently i had my shirt on inside out today. All day. 5 meetings, a couple casual conversations in the hall, chatting in the coffee line, talking to a lady in the bathroom who's leaving for Russia tomorrow and yet not one person found it necessary to say, "hey, i think your shirt is on inside out." Or, "Is that tag supposed to be on the outside of your shirt?" Yah, thanks. Makes wonder what else they haven't told me.............

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

things i'm afraid of


Irrational things I'm afraid of: #327

I'm afraid that the guy who's in a hurry in the super market is going to run into the back of my legs with his shopping cart and slice my Achilles tendon.