Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Christmas Potty

Hi. I've been away.. but i'm back. I'll recap my holidays for you in the next few days.

So, to start with...Michelle and i invited some friends over for a little pre-Christmas gathering. We were especially eager to meet our friend Jeanette's new fella. His name is John and he's straight from Ireland. We dolled up the house a bit and cranked the holiday tunes. We put Christmas cookies out on the table, dusted off the wine glasses and snapped a Christmas collar on our dog Banjo. The stage was set for a lovely evening. Our friend Wesley popped by a bit before our company was to arrive. He was just dropping something off for Michelle and was on his way to his own holiday get together. With about a minute remaining before we expected Jeanette and John, Wesley stands up and says, "Can i poop in your bathroom?" "What? No! The company is coming! You'll stink up the whole house!" I say. "But i really have to go!" He replied. I pulled his arm as he walked toward the bathroom. "NO! NO! NO! NO!" But he wouldn't listen and closed the door behind him. And then we waited. Hoping he was joking and would emerge quickly. No such luck, he was really doing it. Right before our guests would arrive he was pooping. I heard the flush as he threw open the bathroom door and exited with a smile. Just then the buzzer sounded from downstairs. They were here. Oh god! They were here!

So, I am officially apologizing to our new friend from Ireland and our dear friend Jeanette. Sorry for the stinky Christmas.

Friday, December 19, 2008

gone postal

I did something. I did something bad. But i don't want to tell you because i think its a federal offense. And i could.. maybe.. go to like... federal prison!

OK, OK... I'll tell you. I went to the post office to mail off a little Christmas present. I needed one of those bubble envelopes. You know, the kind that's padded? So i went to the display and took one. I was going to pay for it, really. I wasn't going to just take it! I addressed the envelope and got in line. A LONG line. The kind of line you don't have time to stand in during your lunch hour. And i waited. A while. In that LONG line. And then i saw it! Like a beacon calling me and my envelope ashore. It was the automatic postage machine. Did anybody really see me take that envelope? What if i just scoot outa line and use the machine? I thought about it for a second and then.. yes, i scooted. I walked really fast. Head down. Waiting for the "Hey Lady! You didn't PAY for that envelope!" But it never came. I used the machine...mailed my envelope.. and left the building. I gave a quick glance back at all those suckers in line. And grinned a very grinchlike grin. I'd done something evil at Christmas. And now.. I wait.. for the mailman to come arrest me and slap those cold steel cuffs around my wrists. You can address my Christmas cards to Sing Sing Prison. Cell Block 9.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Hi there. I've been in hiding for a couple days while i recovered from the Giants loss to the Dallas Cowboys. That was really tuff to get thru. But I'm starting to feel a little better.

So, anywhooooooooooo....I went to the restroom at work this morning and there was a sign hanging above the toilet on the back of the stall. "Please be courteous and flush after use." Is that something we need to be reminded to do? Really? I don't know about you but my mom taught me that little lesson quite early on. You do a little pee pee, wipe your bottom and flush the toilet. 1, 2, 3. Fairly easy to remember those three steps for potty time. But apparently here at the office we're too distracted and need prompting. Pee pee.... uh..... hummmm... oh, wipe my bottom.. and uh... what was that last thing? eh, never mind. Back to my meeting.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Book Mobile

Remember the Book Mobile? An old lady would wheel up in that old faded blue Bus and we'd all walk up the plank to grab a dusty book to read for a few days? Well, fast forward to 2008. I was riding my bike home from work and happened to cruise past the public library. The Book mobile has had major work done. Its painted all kinds of crazy fun colors and the sign on the side of the bus no longer says Book Mobile. Now its The Book MOB. Wow. Cool. But i have to say... i kinda miss that nasty old bus with the little old lady inside.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


I like to wear my Giants T-shirt when i run. It usually spurs some interesting commentary from passers by. Things like... "GO REDSKINS!" or... "GIANTS SUCK!" But today was a little different. There i was, running along the embarcadero and this guy stares at my chest with a huge grin on his face and says, "Wow! they ARE Giant! Yah! Love your Giants!"

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

teeter totter

I've recently decided not to use a scale to weigh myself. Its too depressing. I can tell if I'm gaining or losing weight by how my pants fit. I actually thought i was doing pretty good until Michelle and i went to the park the other day and got on the teeter totter. She climbed on first and when i sat down on the other side she SHOT up in the air like a rocket. Legs just dangling..

Guess I'll cut back on the holiday cookies.

Friday, December 05, 2008


Kitties seem to have no respect for human body parts. This morning i woke up to my cat Ethel walking across my face. And then she turned around and walked back across...stopping for a moment to lick her leg. Ethel. Really. That's my face!

oh, and yah, that's kind of a crappy drawing of a cat...sorry.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

National Security

I'm going to take a short break from the usual, "Whoops i found a bee up my nose" joke to something of much greater importance. Namely our country's national security. I've noticed that the last three people chosen to be secretary of state have been women. Why not a man? You may ask. Well, i have a theory. I think its the NAG factor. Women through out history have been able to nag men into taking out the trash, picking up their dirty socks from the living room floor and buying them anything from that pair of Manolo Blahniks they've been eyeing all the way to a big fat diamond ring. So, its perfect to choose a woman to deal with the men who lead the world's nations. And if you get one with a particularly annoying voice!? Even better. Madeliene Albright's baritone wasnt too bad... Condoleeza Rice's nasally delivery was definitely off putting. But HILARY!? Oh yah baby! Nagging with that god awful voice of hers? All our nation's troubles are just one big nag session away.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

hungry hippo

Hi! Hope you all had a lovely holiday! Michelle and i enjoyed our Thanksgiving Ham, thank you very much. On Friday we went to my friend's house for a very fancy thanksgiving leftover dinner and tree decorating party. As we were leaving that evening my buddy's three year old son ran out to the curb to see us off. Just as we reached our car i heard his sweet little voice call out to us, "BYE, HIPPOS!"