Thursday, January 29, 2009

1-800-dentist


I had to go to the dentist the other day. I'm not usually nervous about things like that. As long as there's enough Novocaine to numb a gorilla in that there shot they give me? I'm cool as a cucumber. So i was sitting there in the chair in that very vulnerable position they put you in. (I'm guessing its so you cant run away.) And the dentist says, "I tripped this morning on the way to work." "Huh?" i mumble? The dentist is fiddling with something and drops it as she says again, "Yah, i tripped this morning on the way to work and i hurt my toe." "oh," i say. The dentist drops another piece of whatever she was fiddling with. "I'm a real klutz!" she says as she finally gets her drill ready to go...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

mirror image

Our trip to Mexico is getting closer. We leave in 2 weeks. That means i have to go shopping for a new swim suit. I just want to type a quick note here to the major department stores. Can you please remove those three sided mirrors from the dressing rooms? Really. One side is plenty. Nobody needs to see their own rear end from every angle. Its better to be in the dark about some things. Three sided mirrors don't sell swim suits. Three sided mirrors make your customers run from the building in tears.

Monday, January 26, 2009

snowsuit

Last week it was really cold in the city. It was also raining in the city. But, alas, i wanted to ride my bike to work anyway. I didn't want to be one of the the masses on public transit. So i had this swell idea. What if i wear my ski gear? I'll be warm and dry! So i bundled myself up in my snowsuit and attempted to peddle off to work. Just so you know...if you want to wear YOUR snowsuit to ride your bike to work? Its very hard to peddle when you're all dolled up like the Michelin man. And it kinda makes your legs shorter and that kinda hurts your crotch area. Ok, that's it. Your handy tip for today!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Heck Of A Job!

Thanks to my dear friend "House" for collaborating on this one. 
Hee hee heee..... I feel for ya Texas, i feel for ya.
http://thehouseandi.blogspot.com/


Friday, January 16, 2009

tease

Whooops. Got a little carried away this morning with the hair tease thing.

Also, to the guy on the train in the brown slacks. Yah, you. I saw you playing with your willy. Gross.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

pale

Michelle and i are going to Mexico in a month. Ooh, less than a month now. She decided to get started on her tan and purchased a group of sessions at a tanning salon. I can just see it now. Brown Michelle and white Sara. I'd better get myself a few sessions. But I'm a bit claustrophobic. Do they close you up in those tanning beds? Do they snap the lid closed and you sizzle away like a chicken breast on a George Forman Grill? Maybe I'd rather just be my Lilly white self.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

beard

Well, at least one good thing will come from the Giants losing.
I can finally shave this playoffs good luck beard I've been growing.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Giant let down

I feel lost and all alone. My G-men let me down.

Friday, January 09, 2009

fly like an eagle

This was me a few weeks ago. The Philadelphia Eagles were playing the Dallas Cowboys. I went to my local watering hole dressed in full Giants gear ready to BOO the Cowboys. I hate the Cowboys. I hate them so much that i sat down at a table full of conference rival Eagles fans. We high fived as Tony Romo got his face mask rubbed in the dirt. We hugged as Brian Westbrook ran for yet another touchdown. It was a magical day. Giants fans and Eagles fans breaking bread together and clinking beer glasses. Victory came to the Eagles that day.

But things have changed. The Eagles come to Giants stadium on Sunday. Sorry boys, we are no longer friends. Its time to get back to business. GO GIANTS!

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Corporate wishes


So for the Holiday party at work they set up a "wish Tree." It was this sweet little tree with bare branches and then next to it on a table was a pen and a stack of snowflakes. The snowflakes had little hangy things so you could write a wish on them and then hang the snowflake on the tree. Lots of people wrote wishes...Everything from, "I'd like to win the Lotto," to the beauty pageant wish for World Peace. It was a very cute little tree. Well, when i returned from the holiday the little tree was still there... with its wishes still dangling from every branch. But there was an addition...a huge orange tag that read... TRASH.

Nice.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Beware the valet

Next up in our holiday recap...the journey to southern California. We rented a car so that we wouldn't have to drive the 61 VW Bug all the way down south. We can only go 50 mph in the bug and that means we'd be in LA two weeks late. So we rented some kinda new fancy car with all kinds of buttons and gas saving techniques built in. We started to load up all our gear and noticed that we couldn't open the trunk. We got out the fancy car manual and read up on the fancy trunk. Hold your fingers on the sensor for 1.5 seconds.. make sure you're holding the fancy key in your hand while touching the sensor...you should hear 4 beeps and then the trunk will unlock. Ok.. so there i stood in the rain at 5 am with the fancy key in one hand and my finger firmly placed on the sensor. No beeps. I put my finger on another section of the rear of the car.. no beeps. I felt up every inch of that rear end. Nothing. Ok ok...I figured there had to be some sort of manual lever inside the car so i fiddled around in the dark trying to "pop" the trunk. The little gas door opened. The Hood opened. The seat went back. But no trunk. Eh! Forget it! Stupid fancy car with its stupid fancy sensor! So off we went down the 5 fwy with EVERYTHING in the back seat... the presents, the luggage...the dog bed...the dog. All of us CRAMMED in the fancy car with a completely empty fancy trunk.

Later we learned from the neighbor who actually called the dealership for us that there is a Valet lock in the glove compartment. You can keep those nasty Valet guys outa your business with this little switch. Yah, 2009 is too fancy for me. I think i like 1961 better.