Monday, March 31, 2008

baby fat

Michelle and i went to Dolores Cafe to meet some friends who were visiting from New York for a cup of coffee. They had baby Natalie with them. Baby Natalie had an accident in her diaper so we walked with her mom to get a clean diaper outa their car. As she was changing the baby in the back seat i noticed that the baby and i have the same body.

I have a baby body.

well, i have a baby body with boobs.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Thursday, March 27, 2008


Sometimes Michelle gives me a ride to work. Which is very nice of her. It means i don't have to cram myself into someone's backside on a crowded San Francisco bus or train. She has an old 61 vw bug that stalls alot in the morning. So as we're coasting to a stop and the engine is about to stall she GUNS the motor.. THRUSTING the little bug forward. Which in turn quickly jerks my head backward.. since i'm not expecting her to GUN the motor at a red light.

So.. i have whiplash.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

plastic bags

What is it about cats and plastic bags? Or i guess i should ask, "What is is about MY CAT and plastic bags?" Last night i was awakened at 3 a.m. to the sound of tiny teeth chewing on a plastic bag in the living room. I got up... looked around in the dark.. and found my cat Ethel knawing away in the corner. I picked up the bag and shoo-ed her off. Only to be awakened again at 4:30 and then again at 5.. chew chew chew...!!! Each time finding another bag i had forgotten about that was tucked away in a corner or a closet. I HATE PLASTIC BAGS!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Hanger bumps

I hate those shoulder bumps you get when you hang your t-shirts on a hanger.

Monday, March 24, 2008

easter fun

We had a piƱata at our easter party yesterday. Its pretty funny to see adults smacking a paper mache chicken with a tiny pink baseball bat. But the best part was when it finally broke open!! Candy flying everywhere! I was able to push and shove my way into the candy epicenter and grab pockets full of double bubble gum!!!!!

Friday, March 21, 2008


This morning i got on a very crowded elevator. Its customary to enter an elevator and then turn around and face the door. And that's how we were all standing. Facing the door. Then the elevator stops on the next floor and this guy gets in.. and doesn't turn around. He just stands there looking at all of us. Weird. That was a weird guy.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Storm the castle

This morning i was at a loss for what i would post on Lucky Pork. And then, like a little comedy gift from heaven i walked into my office building and there were two Brittish Guards standing there. They were posted just outside the elevators. I guess our company is launching something in the UK and this was their way of letting us worker bees in on it. My only thought was, "Oh thank god they're here! What if the black knights from the building across the street come and try to pillage our offices!"

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Public Service Announcement

Hello, Ladies! Here is an announcement for all of you. Michelle and i went out to lunch with our friend Stephanie and she told us of the evils of Parabens. What's that? You may ask. Parabens are chemicals that are linked to Breast Cancer and they are in a lot of cosmetics and hair products that all of us hot ladies use. So check your stuff. If they have the evil Parabens.. throw them away!!! We are suffering a bit with the non-paraben shampoo.. makes us look a little messed up.. but its worth it to save the boobies!

Monday, March 17, 2008


While Banjo and I were running on saturday, we passed an easter display at a store on Haight street. There were lots of cute stuffed animals.. bunnies and chicks.. all in cages. Cages? They're stuffed animals. Where are they gonna go?

Friday, March 14, 2008

cupcake stampede

Michelle made cupcakes for the office. She's actaully a good little baker. I placed them on the filing cabinet in the middle of the room and said, "hey, i have cupcakes..." within 2 seconds of getting the word "cup" out of my mouth there was a stampede. News to me... people really like cupcakes!

Thursday, March 13, 2008


This morning when i got on the train to come to work i sat right next to the cleaning lady from the gym i go to. She sees me naked every day. How awkward.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


I was on the phone with Michelle yesterday and she told me not to worry about dinner. She was cooking! Oh dear. That's never a good thing. Now, before you all boo and hiss at me for being so mean... just understand that Michelle herself would fess up and tell you she's no Julia Child. The kitchen is a foreign land to her. Well, i crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. When i got home she was standing there at the cutting board.. over looking the beautiful bounty she had purchased at the produce store. 3 baby eggplants, 2 blood oranges, about 8 or 9 tiny blue potatoes and a yellow beat. She beamed with excitement! Isnt it gorgeous!? Look at all the colors! A talented artist's view of vegetables to be sure. "What are we going to make with this?" I asked. "We dont like eggplant." "Oh dont worry! I have a plan..."

a few hours and a sink full of dirty pots later... after all attempts at any sort of meal collapsed... i opened a can of chili.

so, here's the challenge. You have your ingredients! 3 baby eggplants, 2 blood oranges, 8 or 9 tiny blue potatoes and a yellow beat. See if you can come up with a menu using these items. I'll give you ten virtual dollars if you can come up with something!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Art Show Alert

Hey! Just a heads up! Michelle will be having an art opening on April 1st at the Valley Tavern in Noe Valley. If you're around.. stop in! I'll give you more details as the time draws near. The brilliance of having her art show on April Fools Day is that.. if you dont like the art she can say, JUST KIDDING!!!


Monday, March 10, 2008

Free Lunch

I was on my way home Friday when I passed the raunchy part of Market Street. You know, where all the triple X theaters are with the naked dancing girls? Right. So one of the Marquees out front said, "FREE LUNCH FRIDAYS!"

Cool. A burger in one hand and a wiener in the other!

heeeheheheh.. i've been waiting all weekend to write that line.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Newspaper cut

Last night i took the train home. It was PACKED! Anytime between 5 and 6 its standing room only on the Muni trains. So i squeeeeeezed on and tucked myself in the corner nearest the door to make a fast exit when i arrived at my stop. This guy comes clammering on behind me... wedges his way into the same spot i'm standing and proceeds to open his newspaper. There's no room to breathe let alone read Dear Abbey. He makes himself comfortable and rests the top corner of the paper on my forehead. I'm enraged! Does anyone see this? How rude this man is being? And then he starts the coughing. Yep.. clearing his throat and coughing directly at me. My eyes are darting from one passenger to the next to get some sort of recognition. Just a grin or a roll of the eyes.. anything that says, "Yah, that guy is RUDE and we all hate him!" But nothing. Everyone on the train is just staring off into space and thinking about their own terrible lives. I'm just about to say, "Excuse me sir, can you please remove your newspaper from between my eyes?" when the door opens and i make my escape. Ah! Air! Free from my newsprint tattoo!

Thursday, March 06, 2008


My hair is growing out into a perfect ball shape. Its been a bit puffy lately. I think i look a bit like a Dandelion.

Also, last night Michelle was looking at the pictures from our trip. She looked at a picture.. looked at me.. looked at the picture.. looked at me.. and then said, "We're not as cute as i thought we were."


Tuesday, March 04, 2008

ham continued

I've had a special request for a full review of the ham dinner. Ah yes, the piping hot and splendidly delicious pork was so yummy that we ate it for breakfast, lunch and dinner... It was quite large. Oh, and we grabbed a bit and popped it in the microwave at 1 in the morning when we came home from the Gator club after dancing our fool heads off to a fantastic R&B band from L.A. The ham was a great success! And now.. perhaps some vegetables.


Yay! We had so much fun in Florida! We rode roller coasters and drank beer! Unfortunately, we did that at the same time... my tummy didn't like it very much. Here's a big thank you to Michelle's mom and Ron for being such gracious hosts and providing the Florida sunshine for us!

Lucky Day!

Michelle said that getting pooped on by a bird is good luck. Well, Halleluja! It's my lucky day!