Thursday, January 31, 2008

God is a Giants fan

The time is near. The Giants take the field in 3 days and 2.5 hours. I know this is a bit blasphemous.. but i think God is a Giants fan. I've been saying a little prayer on the G-men's behalf each night before i lay down to sleep. I think it might help.

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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

night at the ballet

As i was walking to the gym yesterday i noticed that my bag was a lot lighter than usual. I worried that i had forgotten a bit of my outfit. When i got to the locker room and started changing into my workout gear i noticed that the pants were really small. I started to put them on and as i was STRETCHING them up my legs like a pair of pantyhose i realized.. they were Michelle's pants. A tiny size O. Well, there was nothing i could do. Unless i wanted to go out and lift weights in my panties. So out i came.. looking like a fat elf.. or an oversized Peter Pan.. or a flabby Mikhail Baryshnikov onto the exercise floor. People were kind. I didnt hear any snickers behind my back. But i'm sure they were happy when i finished my workout and put on pants that fit.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Dog Bowl

I was watching motorcross on tv sunday morning. As I watched the guys crashing in the mud I remembered how much I used to enjoy going to the LA colliseum with my dad to watch Supercross. We loved it when the racers would smash their bikes into the haystack walls. My mom and sister never understood that. They hated the crashes. But my dad and I couldnt wait for the carnage. My cell phone rang and brought me back from my childhood daydream. Strange.. It was my dad. "Hey kid, what are you doing?" he asked. I said, "I'm watching motorcross.. what are you doing?" He chuckled. "Me too." We talked for a bit about this and that. I told him that i got Banjo a Giants jersey for the superbowl. He said he got Raider outfits for his dogs. He has a weiner dog and a little pug named rosie that was run over by a car and isnt quite right anymore. He thinks that his dogs are tuffer than Banjo just because they have Raider gear. HAH! My Banjo with her Giants jersey can take 'em both! We're planning Dog Bowl 2008 soon. I'll let you know how it goes.

Friday, January 25, 2008


My buddy at work found football jerseys for dogs at Target. I just ordered a Giants jersey for Banjo! I'm excited about walking her around town in our matching outfits. But i have this fear deep in the back of my mind. What if Banjo sees a german shepherd dressed in Patriots gear and they start trash talkin... and then maybe a little shoving.. a little pushing.. and then AAAAACK!! THEY'RE FULL OUT FIGHTING!! And i get thrown in the slammer for dog fighting!! and then i miss the superbowl!!! oh dear.....

Thursday, January 24, 2008

good advice

I was just remembering a horoscope i read one time. I was reading the newspaper and thought i'd check out my horoscope for the day... It had the obvious advice they usually dole out to us cancers.. You know, be open to new romances, climb the corporate ladder, blah blah blah.. and then the last sentence was a bit more pointed than usual.. "avoid heavy lifting."


Wednesday, January 23, 2008


They have a bunch of TVs at the gym. I always like it when the guys change the channel because they turn it to the sports channel. I love watching the sports channels. So, yesterday i was riding the bike and a guy walked up to the tv. He stopped and looked around to see if anybody was hooked on the show that was on. I gave him a smile, fully expecting him to switch it to sports. Nope, he turned on CBS. A SOAP OPERA! I have to give him credit. That took guts.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

bag of tricks

Michelle got a new book that tells you how to teach your dog really cool tricks. Apparently, after reading this book Banjo will be able to "sit up pretty," balance a biscuit on her nose, fetch a beer from the fridge and change the toilet paper roll. I think the hardest trick will be getting Banjo to read the book.

Monday, January 21, 2008



Friday, January 18, 2008


Just a quick update on that lunch with the boss yesterday. About 10 minutes before i was supposed to go up to the private dining room i got a headache.. but not just any headache.. this was one for the ages. It felt like a little monster took an axe and hacked its way out of my skull. I'm not sure if it was a panic attack or if i got a migraine, but suffice it to say... i didnt make lunch.

i still have a headache but its just a little pounder in my temples.

Now, on to a much more exciting topic. GO GIANTS!!!! We need all of your support! Wear red and blue this sunday and we'll WILL those boys from New York to beat up those wimps from wisconsin!

Thursday, January 17, 2008


I'll tell you when it sucks to have cats. It sucks to have cats when you've been invited to the private dining room to have lunch with the head of the company. I'm worried the cat hair that has been attached to my shirt all morning will finally dislodge and adhere to his salmon. Perhaps choking him.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

3 pack

I got really fat over the holidays.. so i've been working out.. I looked in the mirror this morning and noticed that my belly almost has a 3 pack.


Monday, January 14, 2008


So there we were.. sitting on the couch watching the New York Giants hang on to a slight lead over the evil Dallas Cowboys. For good luck Michelle and i had on the exact same outfits we wore last week when my boys from New York defeated Tampa Bay. The clock was ticking down.. and the Cowboys were charging toward the end zone to win the game. Just then i noticed that Michelle wasnt wearing the blue and white striped socks she wore last week. OH GOD! I ran to the bedroom and rummaged thru the hamper.. furiously looking for those socks! I could hear the game in the other room.. Romo and his men were fighting their way closer and closer to a touchdown and the win. Then i saw it.. a bit of blue peeking out from under a dirty pair of pajamas. YES! I grabbed them and ran to the living room... the game clock was now at 23 seconds... "Put these on!" I yelled to Michelle as i tossed them to her. She quickly untied her laces and replaced her white socks with blue... i looked up at the television as Romo threw a pass 40 yards to the waiting arms of his receiver in the endzone.. oh no! Was i too late?!


all i can say is... thank god for those socks..

Friday, January 11, 2008

i smell sweet

I really dont have anything new to say today because my entire brain is filled with thoughts of a victory for my New York Giants on sunday against the evil Dallas Cowboys..

So.. I'm pulling something from my past that i've never talked about. I was remembering an incident from a vacation i took last year. Michelle and i went to Venice beach in LA and stayed in a hotel right on the boardwalk. As i was leaving to go play in the sand i was hit by a case of gas. I was in the elevator heading down to the lobby all alone.. what would be the harm in letting a bit escape? So.. yes.. i farted. Just then, the elevator stopped to pick up passengers on the 4th floor.. oh god! Should i get off? They'll know! But there were too many of them and i was trapped in the back unable to escape! The doors clossed and we were stuck in there.. riding down 3 more floors together! A young girl looked up at her dad and said... "Ooh daddy! It smells like CANDY in here!!!"

Thursday, January 10, 2008

mental disorder

Sometimes i have these urges... to do socially unacceptable things. Like yesterday i was using the ladies room and someone was in the other stall. I wanted so badly to yell, "I'm naked from the waist down!"

I dont really know why.

Also, this morning i was on the train to work and the driver had his arm sort of flung over the little barrier between us and him. When we went thru a tunnel and it was pitch black i wanted to tickle the inside of his palm.

I dont know why.

And right after i got off the train i was walking with my umbrella in the rain and when i came to a stop i wanted to spiiiiiiiiiin it so that the water would fly on everyone around me.

I dont know why.

I'm just glad i have these thoughts on a boring day like today.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Evil Operator

There's something strange going on with the escalators at the embarcadero Muni station. Every morning i get off the underground train and walk toward the escalator... just as i reach the first step.. it stops. DEAD. No movement. So i have to hike up to the next floor. I think there's an evil spirited escalator operator who waits for the big fatties like me to approach and suddenly hits the STOP button. Then he laughs uncontrollably as he watches us huff and puff our way to the top.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

extreme makeover

Michelle and Banjo painted the kitchen yesterday. I'm amazed. Absolutely amazed. They did a professional job! I think Banjo did the baseboards because she's a tad on the short side.


Monday, January 07, 2008


Sometimes... when the storm of the century hits your city.. its not that smart to go to the beach. Don't worry, we learned our lesson. You won't see us there next century.

Friday, January 04, 2008


the storm is here... and i went out in it to go to the bank at lunch. I'm absolutely soaking wet. i cant think of anything worse than sitting here at my desk in wet jeans. I'm tempted to put on my workout shorts and sit here in my tube socks and nike shocks. At least they're dry...

Thursday, January 03, 2008


The news stations are saying that the storm of the century is headed toward the san francisco bay area... Michelle and i are gathering the essentials and buttoning down the hatches.

We're ready.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008


Hurray!!!!! 2008 will be great!