Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Pedicure


"Did you need this toe?"

I don't really need to say much more than that? Do I?
That wasn't the best pedicure I've ever gotten.

Friday, May 22, 2009

I'm a grown-up lady

When i was a teenager it used to FREAK ME THE HELL OUT when my mom would stand in the living room in her pantyhose and bra ironing her outfit for the day. Mortified at her lack of clothing I'd cover my eyes and yell, "MOM! Cant you wear something! Why do you have to stand there in the living room naked like that!?" Well, fast forward a few hundred years to yesterday. I had what Oprah might call a full circle moment. There i was, in the kitchen in my bra and panties ironing my outfit for the day. I guess its official. I'm a grown-up lady.

By the way, I wasn't actually wearing pantyhose. It just makes for a funnier cartoon.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Handy

Bike to work day was last week. That means lots of inexperienced bike riders are on the road with me. It was only last year that i was one of them. Scared out of my mind to ride along side buses and street cars. So i get it. And i'm proud of them for giving it a go. But, can we just talk about the hand signal thing? Really? I haven't studied hand signals since my first drivers test. And I'm not going to say how many years ago that was but we can assume at least a decade. Give or take a decade here and there. So when the newbie riders start flashin' these elaborate hand signs at me.. i have absolutely no clue what the hell they intend to do. Turn right? Maybe. Turn Left? Who knows. STOP? Right in front of me?? Absolutely! It makes for a very confusing ride to work. So, if you're one of those brand spankin' new riders out there who think you need hand signals? Forget it. Just make your damn turn already. Nobody really needs the heads up.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

So long old friend

This morning i had to say goodbye to an old friend. A buddy who had supported me for over 4 years. Was a strong arm to lean on when i was down. Who loved a good nap with me in the afternoon sun. Watched hundreds of hours of football without complaint. Even bounced up and down when the Giants won the Superbowl! We did love to sit together and have a decadent snack, didn't we? But things changed a couple weeks ago. I could see that you were jealous. That you wanted me to relax with you and not let the dog take over my spot. But it was time. Our relationship had run its course. It was time for me to move on. On to bigger and better.

The big truck came for you this morning and uncaring hands dumped you in the back with the others. As if you were only an object. Not a friend.


I'm sorry, couch. I'll miss you.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

C+

Well this is a conundrum. I seem to be right smack dab in between a C cup and a D cup bra. If i wear a D cup my boobies flop around in there causing great aggravation throughout the day and if i wear a C cup they squish out over the sides. Frustrating. Simply frustrating.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

streaker

We're going to the river this weekend to celebrate my friend Wesley's birthday. River + hot tub = judgment day. I've completely reverted back to my whitey white self after Mexico. So, rather than burn my boobies again at the tanning salon like last time I thought I'd give tanning lotion a try. Michelle said you have to rub it in really quick all over your body and make sure you don't miss a spot because if you do people will know its a fake tan. So i squeezed some liquid into my hand and rubbed like crazy! All over my body. Really fast! "Perfect!" I thought. "My tan will be perfect!" and i tucked myself into bed prepared to dream of the bronze goddess I'll be at the river. OK, so fast forward to the disrobing session before my shower this morning. Oh dear. Streaks! Streaks everywhere. I look like i went for a swim in a dirty puddle and a strange orange colored mud dripped all down my legs. So... yes.. River + hot tub will most certainly be judgment day for me.. along with a few whispers, pointing and giggles.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Snacks

Vending machines stress me out. I have to whisper the number over and over to myself. C9. C9. C9. And then slowly, ever so cautiously aim for the button. But this is my fear. What if I suddenly lose control of my arm and it darts over to B12!? AAAAAGH!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Towel

They give you the worlds tiniest towel at the gym. Yah, just one. I'm always faced with this question. Do i cover my hoohas or my yum yum? Other girls don't seem to have this dilemma. They just walk around naked with the towel on their head. I guess they've conquered their fear of being naked in public and really...at the end of the day...just want a nice hairdo. Today i decided to cover my yum yum and just let my hoohas bounce around as i quick-stepped it to the shower. On the way i noticed on the back wall...The promised land!!! A whole stack of tiny towels! Mine for the taking! I could cover every inch of my naked self! But what would the others think? Perhaps they would judge me and think i don't have the kind of confidence in myself that they have. Eh screw it! I'm not going to succumb to some weird nudist peer pressure! I grabbed 3 towels. And wrapped myself up tight. The reality is, nobody wants to see my bouncy parts. Not even nudists.

Speaking of bouncy body parts... rest in peace my dearly departed friend Dom.

(clever how i worked him in, eh?)

Monday, May 04, 2009

Dresser part two

I did it!!!! I put it together!!! Ok, well, I actually put it together 3 times. The first time I put it together i had all the drawer runners in upside down. Which i have to tell ya, makes for a funny looking dresser. The second time i put it together the two large middle drawers were too small and just sort of fell in the hole when i tried to put them in. But you know what they say, "Third times the charm!" It quite literally took me all weekend. But its done. And now my fancy t-shirts and my casual t-shirts have their own place to live and no longer have to mingle in a big heap on the floor. Hurray!

Friday, May 01, 2009

THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND

OK, So as we all know Bea Arthur went to the big sound stage in the sky earlier this week. I was sad. Just as i know many of you were. And all the loving tributes were awesome. But that song. They just kept playing that SONG! "la la la thank you for being a friiiieeeeeend." Over and over and over! And now its firmly stuck running on a loop in my frontal lobe. I hate to say it...but can we get another old celeb to kick it so i can change the record on the turn table?

spot

Have you ever gotten one of those zits on your face? One that's so big people stare at it while they talk to you? And you try to cover it but the the make up cracks and it starts to look like a science experiment that's gone terribly wrong? And people in the elevator are whispering to each other, "Just pop it!"

No? Er.. uh.. yah, Me neither.