Wednesday, May 22, 2013


Michelle and i are packing for a little vacation and it reminded me that i forgot to tell you something! The last time Michelle flew to see her mom in Florida she decided to go ahead and check her bag so that she didn't have to wheel it around behind her during her 2 hour layover in Atlanta. I met her at the gate at SFO and we walked together to the luggage carousel to retrieve her bag. We waited and waited. Around and around went the other passengers bags. Nothing. Finally we spotted her bright yellow suitcase. Something was flapping on the handle. I thought maybe she put a special tag on it so that she would be able to spot it quicker. But as it got closer we realized that it was a pair of her lacy panties! Tied to the handle! What the? Maybe the bag opened and that pair fell out and they just tied it to the handle? No no no, its more sinister than that! When we got home Michelle opened her case and discovered that ALL her panties were missing! They had been stolen by a panty thief! I share this with you as a warning! When packing for a trip make sure you put the granny panties on top! To discourage Mr. Creepy fingers from stealing your sexy ones!

Monday, May 20, 2013


I'm feeling very confident that Michelle and i will get Alzheimer's at approximately the same time. The other day Michelle was standing in front of the refrigerator asking me what she was looking for while i was trying to change the TV with my automatic car key.

Friday, May 10, 2013


My driver's license is about to expire. I got a note in the mail that i had to come in and take a new picture! I've had that same horrible picture for like 20 years so i was overjoyed to get the chance to have a "do-over." I scheduled an appointment for today. I got up and took a nice long shower and used hair products. I put on mascara, foundation, and lip stuff and wore a black shirt so i look skinny. I did my hair all fancy, whipped it around to make it fluffy, jumped in the car and zipped across town to the DMV office in Oakland. I stood in line for about 20 minutes before i noticed there was a separate line for people with appointments. The SPECIAL people. Yes, today i was special. I was Beautiful. The DMV man summoned me to his desk to start the paperwork. He asked for my name and phone number. Oh i know why you want my PHONE NUMBER you silly man! I flipped my hair. He scanned a long list of names. But mine didn't appear to be there? He revved up his 40 year old computer and dug a little deeper. As i waited for his computer to sort things out for us i looked around at the other people in line. "Yep, I'm special. I know you're all thinking that. I know you all wish you were me right now. I have an APPOINTMENT." The man behind the desk said, "Your appointment is NEXT Friday." oh...... uh... really? "Yah, really." He said. "NEXT?"