Christmas Potty

Hi. I've been away.. but i'm back. I'll recap my holidays for you in the next few days.

So, to start with...Michelle and i invited some friends over for a little pre-Christmas gathering. We were especially eager to meet our friend Jeanette's new fella. His name is John and he's straight from Ireland. We dolled up the house a bit and cranked the holiday tunes. We put Christmas cookies out on the table, dusted off the wine glasses and snapped a Christmas collar on our dog Banjo. The stage was set for a lovely evening. Our friend Wesley popped by a bit before our company was to arrive. He was just dropping something off for Michelle and was on his way to his own holiday get together. With about a minute remaining before we expected Jeanette and John, Wesley stands up and says, "Can i poop in your bathroom?" "What? No! The company is coming! You'll stink up the whole house!" I say. "But i really have to go!" He replied. I pulled his arm as he walked toward the bathroom. "NO! NO! NO! NO!" But he wouldn't listen and closed the door behind him. And then we waited. Hoping he was joking and would emerge quickly. No such luck, he was really doing it. Right before our guests would arrive he was pooping. I heard the flush as he threw open the bathroom door and exited with a smile. Just then the buzzer sounded from downstairs. They were here. Oh god! They were here!

So, I am officially apologizing to our new friend from Ireland and our dear friend Jeanette. Sorry for the stinky Christmas.

gone postal

I did something. I did something bad. But i don't want to tell you because i think its a federal offense. And i could.. maybe.. go to like... federal prison!

OK, OK... I'll tell you. I went to the post office to mail off a little Christmas present. I needed one of those bubble envelopes. You know, the kind that's padded? So i went to the display and took one. I was going to pay for it, really. I wasn't going to just take it! I addressed the envelope and got in line. A LONG line. The kind of line you don't have time to stand in during your lunch hour. And i waited. A while. In that LONG line. And then i saw it! Like a beacon calling me and my envelope ashore. It was the automatic postage machine. Did anybody really see me take that envelope? What if i just scoot outa line and use the machine? I thought about it for a second and then.. yes, i scooted. I walked really fast. Head down. Waiting for the "Hey Lady! You didn't PAY for that envelope!" But it never came. I used the machine...mailed my envelope.. and left the building. I gave a quick glance back at all those suckers in line. And grinned a very grinchlike grin. I'd done something evil at Christmas. And now.. I wait.. for the mailman to come arrest me and slap those cold steel cuffs around my wrists. You can address my Christmas cards to Sing Sing Prison. Cell Block 9.

flush

Hi there. I've been in hiding for a couple days while i recovered from the Giants loss to the Dallas Cowboys. That was really tuff to get thru. But I'm starting to feel a little better.

So, anywhooooooooooo....I went to the restroom at work this morning and there was a sign hanging above the toilet on the back of the stall. "Please be courteous and flush after use." Is that something we need to be reminded to do? Really? I don't know about you but my mom taught me that little lesson quite early on. You do a little pee pee, wipe your bottom and flush the toilet. 1, 2, 3. Fairly easy to remember those three steps for potty time. But apparently here at the office we're too distracted and need prompting. Pee pee.... uh..... hummmm... oh, wipe my bottom.. and uh... what was that last thing? eh, never mind. Back to my meeting.

Book Mobile

Remember the Book Mobile? An old lady would wheel up in that old faded blue Bus and we'd all walk up the plank to grab a dusty book to read for a few days? Well, fast forward to 2008. I was riding my bike home from work and happened to cruise past the public library. The Book mobile has had major work done. Its painted all kinds of crazy fun colors and the sign on the side of the bus no longer says Book Mobile. Now its The Book MOB. Wow. Cool. But i have to say... i kinda miss that nasty old bus with the little old lady inside.

Giants

I like to wear my Giants T-shirt when i run. It usually spurs some interesting commentary from passers by. Things like... "GO REDSKINS!" or... "GIANTS SUCK!" But today was a little different. There i was, running along the embarcadero and this guy stares at my chest with a huge grin on his face and says, "Wow! they ARE Giant! Yah! Love your Giants!"

teeter totter

I've recently decided not to use a scale to weigh myself. Its too depressing. I can tell if I'm gaining or losing weight by how my pants fit. I actually thought i was doing pretty good until Michelle and i went to the park the other day and got on the teeter totter. She climbed on first and when i sat down on the other side she SHOT up in the air like a rocket. Legs just dangling..

Guess I'll cut back on the holiday cookies.

catwalk

Kitties seem to have no respect for human body parts. This morning i woke up to my cat Ethel walking across my face. And then she turned around and walked back across...stopping for a moment to lick her leg. Ethel. Really. That's my face!

oh, and yah, that's kind of a crappy drawing of a cat...sorry.

National Security

I'm going to take a short break from the usual, "Whoops i found a bee up my nose" joke to something of much greater importance. Namely our country's national security. I've noticed that the last three people chosen to be secretary of state have been women. Why not a man? You may ask. Well, i have a theory. I think its the NAG factor. Women through out history have been able to nag men into taking out the trash, picking up their dirty socks from the living room floor and buying them anything from that pair of Manolo Blahniks they've been eyeing all the way to a big fat diamond ring. So, its perfect to choose a woman to deal with the men who lead the world's nations. And if you get one with a particularly annoying voice!? Even better. Madeliene Albright's baritone wasnt too bad... Condoleeza Rice's nasally delivery was definitely off putting. But HILARY!? Oh yah baby! Nagging with that god awful voice of hers? All our nation's troubles are just one big nag session away.

hungry hippo

Hi! Hope you all had a lovely holiday! Michelle and i enjoyed our Thanksgiving Ham, thank you very much. On Friday we went to my friend's house for a very fancy thanksgiving leftover dinner and tree decorating party. As we were leaving that evening my buddy's three year old son ran out to the curb to see us off. Just as we reached our car i heard his sweet little voice call out to us, "BYE, HIPPOS!"

shopping list

Michelle was working from home yesterday so i asked if she could run to the store and get some thanksgiving groceries. You know, just a turkey breast and some potatoes.. maybe some of those crispy onion things and green beans. I usually do all the grocery shopping so i was a bit nervous to trust her with our thanksgiving meal. She called from the store and said they had a whole counter of red meat. "Do we want steaks?" she asked. "No, we don't want thanksgiving steaks. We want to have turkey like the whole rest of the country." I answered. "Oh..... hummmm.......here are some pork chops! Do we want pork chops?" she asked excitedly. "No, we don't want Thanksgiving pork chops." I sighed. "How about pork loin. You like to cook pork loin. Here's a whole bunch of them!" she exclaimed. "No, no no... can you just ask the meat guy if he has any turkey breasts? I mean, i think that's what he's there for." I said. Just then she yelled into the phone, "OH! HAM! Look at all the hams!

Fine. ham. We're having thanksgiving ham.

whooops...i got fat

Yummy! Christmas cookies!

flu season

This morning i took the train to work. We were all crammed in this tight little area with no fresh air and somebody starts with the coughing and the sniffling and the sneezing. There we go.. you could see it on everyone's face. We were all doomed to catch that cold. In three days you'll find all 27 of us in bed with tissues and NyQuil by our side. Well, all 27 of us wont be in the same bed... i don't think...we'll all be in our very own beds hawking up a lung.

oh, and i was thinking, i'm glad i'm not one of those serial sneezers. You know, the ones who cant stop with one sneeze? They do like 12 in a row? That would be awful. I'm a one sneezer type. Just one really big ACHEW! and i move on.

Christmas Experiment

Since nobody really has any money right now the family decided we're doing a homemade Christmas this year. Basically, that means every one will be getting really crappy stuff. Macaroni necklaces and tissue paper wreaths aren't out of the question. BUT! The gifts will come from the heart. I'm not going to tell you what Michelle is making because a select few members of my family occasionally read this blog. Lets just say, if she survives the testing stage...we will all rejoice.

paper

I went to a dinner party at our friend Stephanie's house on Saturday night. Her house is so cute! Its absolutely charming and perfect. Everything was placed just so and spic and span. So, when i used her restroom i didn't want to tear the paper in a sloppy way. I wanted to tear it in a perfect straight line. But it took about 12 tears to get it just so... and i used up just about the whole roll trying. And then i started freaking out because i used all the paper. And i didn't know where to put the big wad of unused tissue. What if it clogs up the toilet? And then i was taking too long... what if they think I'm doing something besides a pee pee.. oh god... turned out to be quite a stressful jaunt to the ladies room.

But the rest of the evening was perfect! Thanks Stephanie!

My new favorite disease.

I have a new favorite disease! Its the Foreign Language Syndrome. I guess there are a bunch of people out there who have been whacked on the back of the head and suddenly start speaking with a foreign accent. It seems that Italian and French are the most popular accents but some have suddenly started speaking like English royalty. Which i guess is kinda frowned upon at the Winn Dixie Mart. Now i know what you're thinking... Oh Porky, you must be making this up! But no! I saw it on Good Morning America so it MUST be true!

big truck

That's my friend Wesley. And that's his big truck. He likes to take his big truck on adventures and stuff. You'd think an adventure guy like Wes with his big adventure truck would be able to change a tire. And you'd think that Wes's adventure guy friends would be able to help. But you'd be wrong. Last night he got a flat and they all sat on a curb waiting for the tow truck guy to come change the tire for them.

That must have been embarrassing.

Thanksgiving

No, no.. don't check your calendar. Its not really Thanksgiving...yet. Relax. You still have time to get those dried up onions for the top of the green bean casserole. My family decided to have our Thanksgiving early this year. So Michelle and i are heading south to meet up with my mom in the kitchen and whip up some grub. I'll see you all next week with a nice full belly.

pacman

This morning when i got outa the shower i noticed that my hair looked like one of those Pacman monsters. And then i looked at Michelle and her hair looked like Pacman. So we chased each other around the house making the gobble up sounds.

That was fun....

anyyyyyywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, GO AMERICA!!!! YAY!!! OBAMA!!!!!!!!

old Meanies

Why is it that the old people that work the polling places where you cast your vote are the meanest old people on the planet? Sure, they look sweet in their little red white and blue outfits and their star spangled banner pins. But don't be fooled. They aren't sweet. They sit there with their big book of names and just wait to catch you doing something wrong. "YOU DON'T REALLY LIVE THERE, DO YOU?!" Or, "THAT'S NOT YOUR REAL LAST NAME, IS IT?" Or... "HAVE YOU EVER VOTED BEFORE? YOU MORON?" They must hold a meanie talent show at the local retirement home right before each election and pick out the nastiest, oldest people to man the tables. If you can do a great Freddy Krueger, you're in.

Happy Halloween!

OK, no joke today... i just wanted to show you how cute our costumes are. I'm a lost fisherman and Michelle is a lighthouse. Our friends Desiree and Jen are scuba divers. Presumably sent out to find the lost fisherman...me...and Banjo is a devil.

The devil doesn't really fit the theme but she sure is cute with those little red horns on her head.

elevator

so... if the elevator doors have closed to the point where you can only fit a piece of paper thru the crack.. let it go. The people inside want to get to their destination floor.

My cat

My cat snores. Its really cute at first.. aww.. kitty.. snoring... and then it gets louder and louder and you cant sleep and all you want to do is wake up the kitty and yell, "Hey lady! Stop sawing those logs!" But then you look at her and you just say.. "awww... kitty snoring...so cute..."

ouch

I was never able to do cool stunts like the other girls in the neighborhood. They could always do cartwheels and somersaults. They'd bounce around and spin and then drop into the splits. TA-DAH! Well, I'll bet they're jealous now! I walked into the bathroom and slipped on a wet spot and went right into the perfect splits! And then sorta bounced around off the bathtub and sink. Sure, i cant walk anymore.. but at least i can say i did it!

monkey suit

Michelle and i are planning on going to hear Jane Goodall speak at the new Museum of Natural Science on Halloween night. I guess that monkey costume i got for trick or treating is out...

nose

Michelle broke my nose.
Now i look like Karl Malden. If you don't know who that is...google him.
It'll crack you up.

Excuses, excuses...

Last night Michelle and i went out for a drink with our friend Desiree for her birthday. Our other buddy Aimee was there too. We hadn't seen Aimee in a while. We asked where she'd been and she said, "Oh, I've been busy...i was sick...
and i got roofied..."

????

revolving door

You know when you go thru a revolving door?
Does it seem like you're the only one pushing?

hehehehe.. I have to give credit to one of my Woodcock buddies for that. She cracked me up the other night when we were sitting in the dugout watching our Mighty, Mighty Woodcocks go down in defeat. I told her that line was worthy of a cartoon. But.. wow.. its hard to draw a revolving door. Anyway, Happy Friday!

The House and I

I'm not extra short today...I'm squatting so that i can point at a link i want you to click on. See it? over there on the right? The link is called House. My blogger friend Erin.. well, i call her "House".. wrote a really nice blog post about me and i simply MUST return the favor. She's a very talented writer and cracks me up every morning when i settle in with my cup of coffee and read her blog. I know you'll get a big kick out of it! Now go on.. don't hesitate.. Click on that link!

Oh, and the pumpkin? Her man Johnny raised that pumpkin with his own two hands and sent it to me in the mail. I also received a pig rat..
but that's another story all together.

Now go on.. click!

Giants down, Dow up

For a few weeks the New York Giants have been winning and playing amazing football. During those weeks the stock market fell to ridiculously low levels. Yesterday the Dow went up and the Giants fell. So the question is.. would i rather see my 401k balance itself out and sock away some retirement money? Or would i prefer to see the Giants win.

No contest.. screw the money... GO GIANTS!!

Television debut

So you know how people... well, grandmas...tell you to wear clean underwear when you leave the house? Because you never know when you might be in an accident? Well, add to that old saying, "And brush your hair." On Saturday Michelle and i took Banjo for a walk. It was supposed to be just a short jaunt across the street to the little park for a quick puppy pee pee. But the little park was full of people having some sort of a rally. So we walked to the big park about 1/2 mile away. I didn't put on a nice outfit and i threw a hat on to disguise what i can only describe as a birds nest. As we neared the second park i noticed a pretty blond lady in a red pantsuit standing next to a man holding a TV camera. mmhum... I'm sure you can guess where THIS is going. Just as we got within about 2 feet of her she thrust a microphone in my face and asked, "Are you a Democrat or a Republican?" "Uh....... a democrat?" I asked." The pretty blond lady then says, "Well, can you please tell the Sky News Audience in England why you're voting for Obama?" Shell shocked, i just stood there staring at her. "But i haven't even combed my hair." I tell her. "And i had a hat on.. and I'm not really dressed to answer these kinds of questions." Unfazed, the English woman says, "Well, you can put your hat back on. Now tell us, what are the 3 top issues for you in the election?" And there i was.. just staring... blankly.. at the camera. I think i may have said something about the economy and my measly little 401k. But mostly i just stared and combed my hair with my fingers. I'm sure I'll appear on some comedy show in London as the Idiot from San Francisco. So.. as i said... wear clean underwear and dress for a television appearance every time you leave the house. You'll thank me for it later.

Good News!

OK, OK, I know its been a ruff week or two.. what with the economy tanking and all. But, I have some great news to share with you. I don't know if they have this in every city but here in San Francisco we have this thing called "Waiters on Wheels." You can order take out from just about any restaurant and these wonderful waiters bring your food to your home. Yah that's cool and all.. but the good news is.... They deliver from Baskin Robbins!!! Are you kidding me? I can have someone bring me ice cream?! And i don't even have to get out of my pajamas? Score!!!

skinny jeans

I squeezed myself into a pair of jeans that are a size smaller than i usually wear. I don't know why i put them on this morning. My fat jeans weren't even dirty. I just got a wild hair and pulled them on. Now i feel like a lollipop with all my fat pushed up around my armpits.

Verify

OK, that's it. THAT'S IT!! I've had it with that little "verify this word" box!! Are you kidding me? They stick a word in a little box and put X's thru it and wrap it around in circles and erase half of it and then.. when you type in what you THINK it says.. NOPE! WRONG! Try again. They give you another word that's even MORE cryptic! I hate those little boxes.

biggest loser

I wish the Animal Planet Channel would create a Biggest Loser show for pets.
Because DUDE! My cat Roscoe NEEDS to be biggest loser for sure!!

-778

easy like sunday mornin'

I love Fridays. Fridays are OH SO CLOSE to Sunday.
And Sunday means FOOTBALL!!!

Which one's the Jackass?

Continuing on with our camping theme... This is a picture Michelle took of me while we were on our little trip. Well, THIS isn't the picture. THIS is a cartoon! Silly goose! But I have a picture that looks just like this on my camera at home. Me next to a donkey. Yep...Me next to...a...donkey. "Why?" you might ask yourself, "would ol' porkluck take a picture all snuggled up to a donkey?" Perhaps a nice photo for mom's mantle at Christmas? Maybe a new photo for my badge at work? Yah, I'm with you. I actually have no idea why i took a photo with a donkey.

Except for the possibility that i may have been drunk.
A very STRONG possibility.

Pepe Le Peu

We had visitors in our campground....

one moment please...

Enjoy the test pattern until i get back from a little camping trip. I packed my swim suit but don't worry, I'll conveniently misplace it before i get to the river.

CHAMPIONS!!!

THE MIGHTY, MIGHTY WOODCOCKS ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!!!!!

OK, maybe not the world...
but we are the champions of the Berkeley Co-ed C league!!

update: 4:44 pm

Mark Phelps

That's my friend Mark. He likes extravagant things. Like fancy shoes and expensive watches. He saw the Olympics and wants to buy the kind of suit Michael Phelps wore. Yes, its true. He wants that speedo. He wants to WEAR that speedo. But his girlfriend put her foot down on this one. First..... he has to learn to swim.

Look out London 2012! There's a new poster boy on the horizon!

monday..

I decided to shave my legs this morning so that when i go to the gym today they won't mistake me for one of those Geico cavemen. For some reason we have a bag full of Bic razors in the house. You know, the kind you buy for like 2 cents a piece? I tried to use one...it was as if i just had a plain razor blade in my hand. Slice! Dice! By the time i was done i had gaping wounds all over my legs. Michelle told me to put lotion on to stop the pain. "AAACK! Now its burning!!!" I yelled! " My legs are on fire!!!!" I rummaged thru the medicine cabinet for band aids. All we had were those gag gift band aids with little pieces of sushi printed on them. I was jumping up and down in agony trying to get the band aid wrapper off. Gag Gift band aids don't have the easy to use tab that regular bandages have. I finally got one loose from its wrapper and stuck it to my leg to stop the bleeding. Of course, now that i had lotion all over they wouldn't stick. I'd put one on and then go to get another one and the first one would fall off. Over and over.. put one on.. one falls off. I finally gave up and just put my pants on. I have no idea whats happening under the material. And i cant wait to go to the gym and find out. Is it better to look like a slasher film victim than a caveman? I'll let you know...

oh, and by the way, to top things off i walked out of the house this morning and michelle said, "Hey, whats that stuck to your shoe? Oh, its a sushi band aid of course. At least it sticks to SOMETHING!

Avon Breast Cancer Walk

That's my sister Suzan. She will be walking in the Avon Breast Cancer Walk in LA tomorrow. They walk something like 37 miles in 2 days! Sheeeesh! That's a loooooooong walk. Her team has raised around 20,000 dollars! Good work Suz! I'll be sending good thoughts your way tomorrow!

The Train from Hell

Last night i had a little party to go to after work and got a ride there. So i left my bike in the garage at work. That meant that this morning i had to take the train to work with just about EVERY other citizen in San Francisco. I was on the platform and had to let 4 packed trains go by before there was even a crack to squeeze into. Now i remember why i started riding my bike in the first place. I'm not good with that much stress in the morning before my second cup of coffee.

1961

In 1961, times were slower, man. We were just coming out of the 50's.. you know.. Happy Days... ice cream parlors, housewives in pretty little dresses? The Kennedy's were in the White house. Apparently, so was Marilyn Monroe. And the Vietnam War was only a twinkle in Dick Nixon's eye. Easy man, easy times. We were in no hurry. We were takin' the slow road. That's the year Michelle's baby blue VW bug was born. It wasn't created to go fast. It was created to look cute and take it's time exploring the highways and byways of this world.

Fast forward to last night. On the freeway. Everyone in a hurry to get to.. whatever the hell they had to get to in such a damn rush. And me, in that sweet little bug... chuggin along at 55. CANT YOU SEE THAT I'M IN AN OLD CAR??? OLD CARS DON'T GO 90 ON THE FREEWAY!!! Why oh why must you ride my bumper and then wave your fist in anger as you pass??? Why must you look at me with disgust as you wizzz by?

Come on, man.. lets all just slow it down.

football season

Football season is back!!!! Football season is back!!!! Football season is back!!!! Football season is back!!!! Football season is back!!!! Football season is back!!!! Football season is back!!!! Football season is back!!!!

BOB BARKER IS ALIVE!!!

Dear Mr. Barker,
I am terribly sorry to have announced your death prematurely. I hear you are simply in retirement and not dead. Again, I am sorry for any discomfort my prior post may have caused you. Please enjoy a gift of your choice. I can send a stemware set...an upright piano...a 3 night, 4 day vacation in ACAPULCO!!!.. or... A NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. please spay and neuter your pets.

sweatball

Recognise those sexy eyes? Yah, that's me. I'm back from LA. It was so freakin hot down there i melted. I absolutely melted. I'm nothing but a puddle now. But, on a good note...my mom is doing great. Apparently she's bionic now. And she has a gigantic zipper going down the middle of her leg where she could hide spare change if she wanted. It was nice visiting with her...and getting caught up with "The Price is Right." We watched it every morning at 10 am before she took the Percocet. That game show hasn't changed a bit since i was kid. Well, except that Bob Barker is dead. Other than that? Same. I'm going to call her each day at 10:48 to hear what the showcase of the day is and to yell out my bid. I'm hooked!

Car rental

Michelle and Banjo and i are going to LA for a week to help take care of my mom. She had knee replacement surgery and will need some help getting around and cooking and stuff. We are renting a car for the journey down the coast. For some reason the lady at the rental car agency always tries to give us the worst car on the lot. The one with no tires...or the one that smells like a dead cat.. or you know, that one car on the lot that still has a tape deck. Michelle has a theory that they give us crappy cars because we don't dress up before we go to the rental agency. We usually just wear shorts and flip flops. So she got herself all dolled up this morning and high stepped out the door like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada.

So much for that theory. We got the EXACT same crappy car we got last time. I think Enterprise just has nasty cars.

Hiccup

Did you know that babies who are still in their mommy's tummy can get the hiccups? Apparently so. My friend Jessica just told me that she was up all night with a belly full of hiccups. So the eternal question? How do you get rid of them? Hold your breath? Drink water? None of these things seem transferable to a baby inside your belly. I think the only answer is to scare the be-jesus outa the baby. Turn all the lights off in the house...sit very still...and then yell, "STORK!"