no heads allowed

This has been an extraordinarily stressful week. So, this weekend I'm removing my head and letting my body have some fun. No thinking allowed.

dmv.. again

I really don't have much to say. I think this image sums up my feelings quite nicely. The Department of Motor Vehicles was placed on this earth to make the lives of its good citizens hell. Pure hell.

yep, that's about it for today.

tour de market street

Don't believe Michelle when she tells you she's afraid to do something. We rode our bikes to work today. I heard about how scared she was all night and all morning... and as soon as she started peddling she turned into evil Knievel/ Tasmanian devil! She cut off buses and street cars.. she got flipped off by drivers making right hand turns. So much for that little red ski hat she pinned to my backpack for safety. I'm wrapping her up in caution tape and strapping a siren to her rear end.

the rug

Michelle and i got in a fight about that damn jellyfish painting on the wall back there. She asked my opinion on what color she should paint the background and then EXPLAINED for half an hour why my opinion was wrong. Why ask in the first place!? So because she was mean to me... she gets a starring role on luckypork.

We have hardwood floors in our apartment. We have ONE rug. Michelle went online and purchased a vacuum cleaner to clean our ONE rug. THE VACUUM IS GIGANTIC! ITS GREEN AND GIGANTIC! THE BOX IT CAME IN IS BIGGER THAN THE RUG!! We have no place to put it so it just sits there in the living room.. staring at me... waiting... waiting for a crumb or a dog hair to show up. Poor vacuum. It should really go live in a big house with kids who spill cheerios all day.

also, i drew the vacuum squashing her toe.

There, i feel better.

merry prankster

Congealed. A co-worker said that word yesterday and i had an automatic gag response. The word congealed brings me back to my childhood. My sister and i would visit my grandma when we were kids and she always kept vanilla ice cream in the freezer as a little treat for us. My older sister was in charge of scooping out the ice cream into our bowls since, apparently; I was too little to do it. You know.. handling spoons is tuff business. So, anyway.. my sister took an old carton from the very back of the ice box (and with a gleam in her eye) dug out what seemed to be the remains of frozen cream from weeks past. She plopped the sticky mass into my bowl. It was a big lump of grayish-yellow goo. "This is for you." she said with a chuckle. Then she grabbed a shiny NEW carton and scooped pristine yumminess into HER bowl. Off we went to watch TV with our treats.

I took one bite and gagged for 6 hours.

goose egg

we lost... again

pink is for girls

I've decided that this riding to work thing is going to be a constant in my life. I like it. So i decided to invest in a helmet. Its mainly to keep Michelle off my back.. but in any case, i went out on Saturday to get one. I asked the sales clerk where the bicycle helmets were and he pointed to a stack of pink boxes. "No no... not for kids," I say, "for Me." He looks at me and again points toward the big wall of pink. So i walk over to take a closer look. Sure enough.. they were for grown ups. The men's helmets were in cool black boxes with skulls and really bitchen graphics. But the women's helmets were in pink boxes with daisies and butterflies. I noticed another woman had taken a helmet outa the box and was trying it on. It was dark grey with gold flowers. She noticed me watching her and said.. "well, its the only one i could find that's not pink." So i reached into the stack and pulled out the same one she had. The least offensive of the bunch. Why is it that guys always get the really cool looking stuff and we have to ride around with flowers on our hats?

HEAT STROKE

Today is Bike to Work Day in San Francisco. Originally, i was going to do a post about how i was dripping with sweat from my ride. Its really quite hot here. PIPING hot to be exact. I was going to moan about how i had to hang my button down shirt over the back of my chair to dry while i prance around the office in my undershirt.. until i saw THIS guy. While i was at lunch i passed a little display introducing the new Blackberry. You know the kind.. promotional material everywhere... signs.. people with bullhorns shouting things about its miracle-like technology? Yah, and this poor guy. Wearing a huge cellphone outfit dancing and jumping about. He must be DYING! I hope they give him one of those fancy gadgets for his trouble. Along with cold compresses and ice shavings.

Dude...

not so mighty woodcocks

we lost... again

heatwave

Apparently, the bay area is going to be hit by a heatwave tomorrow. The news stations are advising us to be prepared. Drink plenty of water and bring provisions with us when we venture outside. I guess its going to reach the high 70's in San Francisco! Oh my!

Don't worry about me.. I have my swim suit and floaties ready.

oh by the way, the price of coffee here are work has gone up by a quarter..so, dude.. i'm gonna need my quarter back.

bike to work day

Thursday is bike to work day. I've never ridden my bike downtown so I decided to practice today and ride Michelle's BMX bike. Michelle was crazy worried about me. She kept trying to get me to wear brightly colored shirts or a big funny hat.. she wanted to pin a sign to my back saying "Don't hit me.. I'm a beginner!" I wouldn't have it. What would the other riders think? "They'll all make fun of me!!" I yelled. So we compromised and i let her pin her bright red ski hat to my backpack.

I stopped around the corner where i was out of her line of vision, removed the hat, stuffed it in my backpack and was on my merry way.

The Homey Awards

This morning i was walking to work and a homeless guy asked me for spare change for a cup of coffee. Coffee? Just a little pick me up in the morning and he's right as rain? I handed him a quarter. "Sure brother. Grab yourself a cup o' Joe on me. Its the least i can do... Really." And off i went. But it got me thinking. The homeless situation in San Francisco is RIDICULOUS! How is it that i can pay 200 a month in parking tickets and still someone sleeps on the street?? But wait! I have an idea. You know how most of the homeless folks have those cardboard signs.. that say like, "Will work for food" or whatever? Well, its a pretty competitive market.. who can tug at your heartstrings more. There's usually a homeless guy at every corner of a 4 way stop.. each guy trying to out do the other. What if there was an awards show for best homeless sign? The categories could be funniest, most heart warming, least misspellings... (ouch, sorry) And the winner gets a key to the city which opens their own private suite at city hall. Brilliant, i say! Brilliant! My pick for the Homey's is a sign i saw a guy holding about a month ago. It said, "My wife and dog were kidnapped. Need cash to get the dog back."

raw diet

Ever since that nasty migraine came to visit last week i've had his footprint on my skull. I feel like my head is broken. So, girl formerly known as michelle and i are on a raw diet to try to detox and get nutrients back into my brain. Being on a raw diet is HARD! What can you eat? Everything is cooked! So we've had fruit and salad for 5 days. Michelle sits at her art table every night and as if suddenly over come by an attack of Turrets will just yell.. "I WANT A HAMBURGER!!

we'll get 'em next time

We lost... again.

I see London, I see France...

I learn the darnedest things on Good Morning America. Yesterday i learned the ol' coffee trick for my drowned liver and today i learned that its legal for brothers and sisters to get married in France! What the??? I guess that explains why Tom Cruise proposed to Katie Holmes at the top of the Eiffel Tower...

jitter bug

Michelle and i.. or.. "whatever the hell her name is" were watching Good Morning America and they interviewed that Doctor Oz guy from the Oprah show. He was talking about.. you guessed it.. Livers. Livers are quite the star as far as organs go, you know. They take up most of the real estate in your belly and basically clean up after all the messes you make in your life. He was talking about how to keep your Liver happy by you know, not drinking and stuff.. blah blah blah.. i didnt listen to the stern bits but the good news is!!!!! COFFEE!!! If you drink coffee you can save yourself from the dreaded Liver cancer!!! I was pretty ruff on the ol' organ this weekend so i thought i'd double up on that magic elixir. Now i'm buzzing around like a bee on crack. I think i need some gin to calm down.

a rose by any other name..

Ok, so Michelle has decided that she's tired of being Michelle. She wants to change her name to something a bit more.. uh.. you know.. unique. So I'm opening up the re-naming process to the lucky porkers. Any ideas?

on a side note, this morning i asked Michelle when Cinco de Mayo is.. and she said... without missing a beat, "May 5th!"

yah, i know... what day?

bed buddy

I was in bed with a migraine all day.