blue

Michelle tends to makes up things.. about my health. Like, she thinks i only have one kidney.. or that i have a brain tumor.. or that i have endometriosis.. you name it.. michelle thinks i have it. She has a big book of medical stats that she likes to read from and imagines that i have the symptoms from the worst chapters. So last night she comes and sits by me on the couch and says, "We need to talk about your circulation." "My what?!" I ask. She gets closer to my face and examines me and says, "Yes, i'm concerned about your circulation. Your lips are BLUE!" Oh my god .... AACK! My lips are blue???? We need to rush me to the hospital! I can feel my pulse slowing! I'm slipping away!!!

and then i remembered i just ate a blue popsicle.

boss

Yes, it finally happened. The thing I've been fighting against for 6 months. My boss saw me in my panties at the gym. Ever since i realized that we workout at the same place I've been carefully planning out my schedule so that i NEVER see her in the locker room. NEVER! But yesterday... there she was... putting on her lipstick.. acting as if she wasn't watching me in the mirror. I tried my best to waste some time. I took my clothes out of the locker and kind of folded them.. and then unfolded them... hung them on the back of the little locker door.. slowly took my running shoes off and set my regular work sneakers under the bench. I glanced up to see if she had finished applying her make-up. Nope. Still there. So.. i gave up. I did it. I took my pants off. There i was, standing bashfully in my panties. How mortifying. How HUMILIATING. But that's not all, of course.. my panties had a hole in them. Why couldn't i be wearing a hotty little number that looked super expensive!? Some fashion forward get-up. No, i had to wear the one pair with a hole in them yesterday. Just then, she zipped up her make-up bag, placed it in her purse and did the super model walk out the door. Oh god! What must she have thought? Perhaps she thought, "Poor dear, i really MUST give her a raise!" But more likely.. it was, "Gross! I really MUST fire her."

whooops

hehehehehheh...

doggy (and kitty) in the window

This is what Michelle and i saw as we left for work. Banjo the dog and Roscoe the cat both sitting in the window watching after us as we drove off. I thought it had to be the cutest thing in the world. The two of them... from feuding blood lines... coming together... sitting next to one another in a gesture of love for their people.

and then i realized.. they were waiting for us to leave so they could give the signal to Ethel (the other cat) to throw open the front door to the strays! PARTY ON!!!!!!!

Earth day

Happy Earth Day everyone! I wanted to save a forest or set some horses free or something today. But being a city gal... i had to settle for saving a pigeon. I was walking to work and this little bird crossed my path with a plastic taco bell bag wrapped around his neck. So.. since it IS earth day.. i stepped on the bag and stopped him in his tracks. I reached down and untangled the plastic from his little neck and sent him on his merry way. The girls at work think i have rabies now. But i don't ask what this planet can do for me.. i ask.. what can i do for my planet? Get Rabies? Sure!

Number 4

Gas costs 4 DOLLARS!!!! WHAT THE??? I have an idea for a new industry. Don't join the bandwagon and trade in your wheat fields for corn. Start printing the number 4. Hide them in your basement and then auction them off on Ebay to the highest bidder! I'll bet gas stations all over America are on a mad search for 4s.

P.S. Michelle made fun of my TV/microwave all weekend. You know, she's all artsy fartsy.

food network

That's supposed to be a TV... not a microwave.

So anyway, i was just at the gym and about 4 out of 5 TV sets were tuned to the food network. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a big food network fan. I like Michael Chiarello the best. I love to watch him cook up yummy Napa style treats and then feed them to his ultra cool Napa style friends. But.. when I'm at the gym the last thing i want to do is watch somebody take a huge bite out of a big fat juicy steak and wash it down with a heaping spoonful of garlic mashed potatoes, a little fresh baked bread and a local Cabernet. It makes me want to climb down off the stair climber, walk across the street to the steak house, grab a fork and a bottle of A1 and slap a bib around my neck.

crepe

I ran into a friend from work at the bus stop last night. We both take the 21 Hayes bus home so we clamored aboard and sat next to each other near the door.. for an easy escape at our respective stops. She entertained me the entire way with funny comments. But one in particular stands out in my mind. She told me that if she ever won the lottery she'd buy a little cart.. like a hot dog cart.. and sell crepes to people. She said she would call it, "Squat and take a crepe."

ahahaahahahahahahhahahahahhahhehehehehehehehhhehahahahahah

knee slapper , that one

Groin

Well, its a sad day for the mighty mighty woodcocks. We lost another one. And i pulled my groin. Do girls have groins? or is that just a boy thing? If only boys have groins then i pulled my crotch area.

Yah, that hurts.

eyebrow

I over plucked this morning. Just the brow over the right eye. So now my face is frozen in a questioning smirk.

Have a swell weekend! Michelle and i are off to Mendocino for the weekend. We'll be back Tuesday.

Thanks McDonald's!

I just wanted to thank all the fast food chains and the snack industry for creating a society of chubby little kids. I discovered that i can fit into boy's extra large t-shirts. They cost half the price of grown up shirts. Of course, the blue bunny and dancing giraffe illustrations are a little embarassing to wear to work.. but hey! A deal is a deal! So..move over Timmy! I'm hitting your sales rack!

Season opener

I'm so excited! Softball season is back! Last night was the season opener of my softball team the Mighty Mighty Woodcocks. (two mighty's in our name because we are MIGHTY) We went down in defeat. But we'll get 'em next time!

I'm soooooo sore today. My softball muscles have atrofied. I seldom just take off in a sprint at work and slide on one knee to the bathroom. Or throw paper weights to my co-workers.

You caught the seldom bit? Yes, seldom. Which leaves the door open to the possiblity of a sprint/slide at any moment.

shave

I was in the shower this morning and michelle asked what was taking so long. I said, "I'm shaving all my parts..." as she left the room she turned back and said... "Don't forget your face!"

sky high

Michelle decided to wear super high heels today.
I look like a pre-schooler next to her.

alarm

Hello! Sorry i was missing in action for a few days. Michelle and i went to Tahoe for some spring skiing. The snow wasn't quite right for skiing so we decided to go sledding instead. We found a perfect hill behind some sort of county agency building. We were very sneaky and parked the car off to the side where nobody could see us. We crawled up the hill in a very navy seals manner.. careful not to get caught on private property.. and then.. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Slid all the way back down the mountain. Michelle had the car keys in her back pocket.. the kind of car keys that have an alarm button on them. As she zoomed down the mountain the car alarm would go off every time she hit a bump!

So much for stealth sledding.

art show tonight!

ART SHOW TONIGHT!

Michelle is shown here posing in front of her gorgeous artwork. I've placed paper bags over the paintings so you'll be surprised when you get there. If you're in San Francisco and in the mood to see some cool artwork and throw back a couple beers.. swing on by! I'm taking all challengers at the pool table!

The Valley Tavern
4054 24th st. (between Noe and Castro)
7-9 pm