Fierce

There's this.. "event" i guess you'd call it.. in San Francisco on the last Friday of each month. Its called "Critical Mass." It's sort of a showdown between the car drivers and the bicycle riders. Thousands of bike riders take to the streets at 6 pm and pedal thru the city in an attempt to block off the major streets to cars. I used to hate the critical massers. Such a pain in the ass to get around the city with all those bikes in the road. But.. now that I've been riding to work.. i cant wait to jump into the mix! I've been cut off by enough taxis, truck drivers and careless speeders to have a little rage in my back pocket. I think this is just the occasion to unleash it. Here's the thing tho.. Michelle went shopping yesterday and put this little ensemble together for me to wear tonight. I don't think road rage personified wears a funny hat and rainbow stockings. I could be wrong..

stumped

What a fun trip! It was like summer camp.. but for adults! For my birthday we rented a canoe and rowed 10 miles down the russian river. Its not as easy as you might think. There are really scary tiny rapids and narrow passage ways. We crashed into more than one bush. At one point... as we came around the bend... there was a downed redwood just under the surface which michelle saw but neglected to tell me. The top of the tree was poking out a bit and we passed over the largest branch. SCREEEEEEEEEEEECH. STUCK. On a tree.. in the middle of the river. What followed was a bit of banter between the two of us. The kind of banter where somebody's feelings get hurt. The kind of language you shouldn't use around 5 year olds. FINALLY, After some twisting and turning.. yelling and cursing... pushing and pulling.. wiggling... jumping... rocking... hopping... poking... shoving.. a paddle fight.............. we set ourselves free.

That called for a nice cold beer.

And some apologies...

Gone Fishin'

Michelle planned a little birthday trip for me up the coast of northern California.

See ya next week!

salt lick

Not really sure why i thought of this today.. but i did. My mom LOVES salt. The more salt the better. I always tease her that I should buy her a salt lick for mother's day. One time, when my sister and i were young.. we were helping her make dinner. She put us in charge of the baked beans. My sister tasted them and thought.. more salt! So she went to shake in a teaspoon full and BOOM! The lid fell off! And all the salt in the container poured into the beans. We tried to scoop out the excess but it dissolved immediately into the sauce. We stared at the bowl with panic in our eyes! Our jaws dropped. Should we throw out the whole thing? Waste an entire batch of beans? We decided to serve them anyway and hope for the best. My sister passed the beans along to my mom without taking any for herself. Mom scooped up a huge spoonful and plopped them on her plate. We watched with anticipation as she took a bite. Our eyes darting from each other to the beans and back again. Sweat was forming on my brow.

"Wow!" she said, "These are the BEST beans I've ever had!"

step on a crack... break your mama's back

Michelle just called. She's losing her mind! She's working from home today and i guess the city decided this was a fine time to rip up the sidewalk in front of our place. She held the phone out the window so i could hear all the racket. That is one loud jack hammer. Guess she'll just have to pack up her laptop, a bottle of wine, head to the beach and forget all her troubles.

ah, the life of a freelancer.

Must be tuff.

sushi guy

Last night Michelle and i met for a drink after work. We had Banjo with us. Banjo is always a good conversation starter since she thinks she's a walmart greeter. Wag, wag, wag! We started chatting with a couple of guys who LOVE dogs. Turns out one of the guys owns a sushi restaurant and is quite the star. He's having Anthony Bourdain do a film segment with him on Sunday and has been asked to battle Iron Chef Morimoto on the Food Network! He invited us to be his special guests at his restaurant. UH OH! I haaaaaate sushi. It makes me gag. Literally. Lucky for me, he invited Banjo as well! I'll just slip the nasty uncooked sea creatures to her under the table.

a walk in the park

This is me and my friend Wesley at an amusement park this weekend. Amusement is a word he might not use to describe our day. Apparently, he hasn't been to a park like this since he was 9. I'll save him the embarrassment of counting how many years ago that was. As you can imagine... the rides at the park have changed... just a bit. No more choo choos and pony rides. We strapped him into a car that shot outa the gate at a 100 miles an hour and went straight up in the air.. held us suspended for a second or two and then dropped us.. face first.. toward the cold cement below.

That was is it for Wes. We rode the swings and bumper cars the rest of the day.

punchline

Every time the new season of Last Comic Standing starts i get a hankerin.' Oh yeah, i think i can do it. I get this urge to quit my job and travel the laff circuit... maybe get a sitcom.. an interview on the tonight show couch... maybe even WIN AN OSCAR! They never thought a comedian like me had the chops, they'd say; as they recount my tear jerking academy award winning speech. I've never done stand-up comedy.. but boy.. when Last Comic Standing comes on... i always think i can! So the other day when michelle took banjo out for her potty break i turned the bedroom mirror around and tried out my shtick on myself.

Boy did i bomb.

Now i just watch with envy as the REAL comedians make me chuckle.

valley of the dolls

Michelle and i went to the international cafe the other night to listen to the acoustic open mike show they put on. The headliner was a singer/songwriter named Keiko Takamura. Very talented girl. We enjoyed her performance so much that we wanted to get some info on her. In the back corner of the cafe was a table with business cards and stuff so we wandered over to take a peek. Keiko didn't just have postcards and an email list to sign up for.. she had dolls. Of herself. That she made. mmhum... you too can have a Keiko Takamura doll! She had herself wearing three different outfits. I'm going to collect all three and put them on the shelf where i keep my Janice Joplin doll and my Willie Nelson monopoly game!

farrah

My hair has been doing this lately. Feathering and parting itself in the middle. And its doing it completely without my knowledge. I think it has Alzheimer's and is reliving its high school days.

blue sea

Michelle and i were invited to a bbq at the park on Saturday. They told us to look for the people wearing blue. This is a huge park. Every inch of green taken up by groups of party goers wearing.. blue. We walked thru the park scanning each bbq pit. "Is that them?" I'd yell. "nope." Michelle would respond. This went on for a good half hour until we gave up and joined the other blue t-shirt wearing outcasts at a bar down the street.

I'm thinking next time I'll suggest the ol' funny hat theme.

forgotten

There was a little competition going on here at work. My buddy and i both got tiny rose bushes for valentines day. My co-worker's plant was going gangbusters and sprouting little leaves and thorns at an astonishing rate. My poor little guy was just limping along. She would look at my pot full of stark branches and tiny leaves and just giggle to herself. She would talk to her rose bush and pet it... she'd bring it over to my desk to compare. "Yes indeed," she would think to herself, "I have a green thumb and I'm raising a jolly green giant!" and then.. it happened... we came back from a 3 day weekend and her plant, her BABY.. was dead. It simply shriveled up and died. It sat, until yesterday; on her desk... just a pot full of sticks poking up thru a clump of dry dirt. It now lives on jesus' desk where I'm sure it will flourish again.

Yo, Myra! Who has the green thumb now?!

the streak

So, the end of a very long season has arrived. The Mighty, Mighty Woodcocks finished the season with an 0-8 record. Not bad, i say... at least we're consistent.

Don't you worry Woodcock fans! The summer season starts in a couple weeks! We'll show 'em who's boss!

Spanish 101

Do you know people who can't do accents? When they try to do any accent it sort of sounds strangely English with rolled r's? Yah, well that's Michelle. She couldn't do an accent to save her life. So, with that in mind.. picture her trying to learn Spanish from a book. And reading sentences to me.. over and over. With absolutely no knowledge of how its supposed to sound.

I need an interpreter.

billion dollar plumber

So, the space station's toilet broke. I guess i didnt know space people used a toilet. I thought they just pee'd in the fancy suit.

Ya learn somethin' everyday.