Gravy train

Back in the day there was a type of dog food called Chuck Wagon made by Purina. In the commercial this tiny little chuck wagon comes screaming across the living room floor, wakes up the family dog, who jumps up and chases it back into the dog food bag. What made this particular dog food so magical was that if you added water it makes a "delicious gravy." Thus, enhancing your dog's dining experience and creating a 5 star gourmet dinner. Ok, so keep that little tidbit in mind............

Michelle will commonly call me over when she's feeding the dogs and ask me to get Banjo to eat. "Banjo won't eat." She'll say, "She just smells it and walks away." So I'll get up from my comfy spot on the couch, walk into the kitchen, and take a look in Banjo's bowl. "There's water in it! Its just soggy kibble." I'll say. But Michelle disagrees with my assessment. "It's not water! It's GRAVY!"

This happens at least twice a week. Banjo won't eat, I'll get up and look, I'll tell Michelle there's water in her bowl. And she'll yell, "IT'S GRAVY!"

No wonder that dog in the commercial tried to kill that chuck wagon driver. He hated WATER in his kibble.

Bag it

I hate "self checkout." I mean, scanning the items is fun. The little BOOP sound when you hit the bar code just right is strangely satisfying. But its the pressure... man, its the pressure of the people behind you in line staring at the back of your head you and wishing you would speed it up. And, does it make me a terrible person if I admit that I really like it when they have somebody at the store bag my groceries? I hate bagging my own! I hate trying to "double" the bags. It takes me forever, I usually tear the bag in some way, and I know the people in line are watching me. Judging my technique. "Ooooh, eggs on the bottom???" And, "Do you really NEED double bags?!" The last time I was at the store I picked a really long line just because it had a person bagging groceries. It was my turn, I smiled at the... what is the correct term? "Bag attendant?" Right. So, I smiled at the bag attendant and asked for "Double Bags" and happily began the payment process. A minute later I looked up and the Bag Attendant was gone! The items were gleefully riding down the conveyor belt to get lovingly and precisely placed in a brown paper bag. But there was no one there to meet them. Just a half full bag... UNattended. I pretended to stall, acting like it was nearly impossible to fit my credit card back in my wallet...slowly, excruciatingly slow... like OJ trying on that glove... stall, stall, stall... because maybe, just maybe, if I take long enough the elusive "attendant" will come back and finish the job. But alas, he never did. It was left to me. The one thing I stood in line an extra 10 minutes to avoid. So, yes, I admit it. If you bag my groceries I will love you forever.

Curling

Some of you Lucky Porkers might remember when I used soap on my arms as lotion. I really can't see without my peepers so I go on shape and placement of products in the bathroom. Well, things haven't changed much.... Here's a conversation I had with Michelle the other day. 

Me: (holding a tub of lotion and rubbing it on my arms)
Michelle: Why are you using THAT on your arms?
Me: Because my arms are dry.... duh
Michelle: But it's a hair curling product?
Me: ?

I'm not an Uber driver

Now that Lyft and Uber are all over the place I live in fear of strangers getting into the back seat of my car.

Weight watchers

Michelle joined weight watchers. I could stop there because that's a great punchline. BUT, I'll add this tidbit: On her first day she had cookies and said... 

"I think today will be a cheat day."