french twist

Michelle and i have decided to learn French! So far we can say, "You are a man." and "I am eating the pig."  These sayings come in handy......?

candy

As Michelle walked out the door she said, "Stay out of the cookies and chocolates!"

ssshhh.....don't tell....i'm hiding the evidence....

swimsuit

...and then she said it... those 6 little words no girl wants to hear in the dead of winter! 

"Don't forget to pack your swimsuit!"

Mayan calendar

"Hey Balam! I need a bigger piece of paper! I can only get up to 2012 on this sheet.

"I dont have any bigger paper. Just leave it! That will really FREAK people out in the future!! ahahahahah"

big girl pants

oh man, i had to put on the big girl jeans today.... too many cookies....

Hound Dog

I hide presents for Michelle around the house but she's a total snoop. Luckily Michelle is part Christmas Hound! She cant help herself! She gives herself away every time. This is what i hear from the other room when she's snooping around. 

"PRESENT!"  "IS IT FOR ME??" "I FOUND A PRESENT!"   "PRESENT!"

kitchen table

Michelle likes to move the kitchen table into the living room so that she can work and be close to me while i veg out and lay on the couch. Which is you know, sweet and all... but kinda hard to explain to visitors why our dining room table is smack dab in the middle of the living room.

oh and P.S. our house is tiny... seriously... We're not talking a mansion where she's in a completely different wing. If she were to leave it in the kitchen she might be about 3 feet farther away....

rolling fish bowl

Forgot to roll up the car window before the big storm hit....

sweater

Michelle has been cutting the sleeves off my sweaters to make little turtlenecks for my little dog Banana. Clever indeed, but what the hell am i supposed to do with sleeveless sweaters!?

coffee

This morning i stopped at Pete's for a cup of coffee... i ordered my usual which costs 2.90. As the lady entered my order into the cash register she told me that my hair looked really pretty. She entered the amount as 4.90 rather than my usual 2.90. I was frozen... paralyzed by her words. Should i negate the complement by telling her she over charged me? Or should i just pay the pay extra 2 bucks?

I took the complement and left the building feeling a little taken advantage of... but really pretty!!

doggy costume

We had a little costume party at work today. 

This is what I overheard from the other side of my cubicle wall:

"Oh, are you dressed up as a doggy today?" from a mysterious female voice.

"Yes, I am." Replies unknown deep male voice.

Female voice gets closer....
"Are you a girl doggy or a boy doggy? 

Let me seeeeee......
OH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"

email

So here's what happened... Obama sent me an email right before he went onstage... but i didnt see it until after the debate. I think he was concerned that maybe i was mad at him or something and was completely distracted thinking about why i didnt respond. I feel terrible. Its all my fault.

early

This weekend Michelle and i are going away and we'll have a house/dog sitter. Michelle left her a VERY detailed letter about where the costumes are and that we'll have LOTS of candy for her to give out to the kids......................hummmmmm...................... I think Halloween is NEXT month? I kinda hope she dresses up and hands out candy to random people as they come to the door.

leak

We went to the store this morning in Pasadena. The Nebraska Cornhuskers are in town playing the UCLA Bruins. The grocery store was PACKED with Cornhuskers buying beer for their tailgate parties. At this point in the story i must fill you in on a thing i have with Styrofoam. Basically, i hate it. If it makes that squeaking sound.. when you rub it together.. i get the heebeejeebies. Always have. Since I was a little girl. It makes me crazy! SO, in the store this morning the football fans were putting ice in their styrofoam ice chests and shoving the lids on them... which of course made that horrible squeaking sound. (I'm freaking out just thinking about it)   I turned to michelle and said "I GOTTA GET OUTA HERE!" and i started running outa the store. She had no idea what was happening. So... in front of about a thousand football fans she yells... "ARE YOU LEAKING?"          
WHAT THE? LEAKING?????? WHAT???????

Radish or not to radish....

Sometimes even I am taken by surprise by my own stupidity. I just asked Michelle if horseradish was a radish...in all seriousness.

Wishes do come true

People usually have consistent wishes over the years. You know, the same wish you make every year when you blow out your birthday candles? I mean, sure... there are big wishes like world peace, flood relief and feeding hungry children. Those are long shots. But you also have smaller very personal wishes that you will never share for fear of it not coming true. As of today i can finally tell you all what my consistent birthday wish has been for (insert ridiculously large number of years). Because today...yes, today...it came true. My wish is that i would live in, over or across the street from an ice cream parlor. Now, I'm not living IN an ice cream parlor. I'm not living OVER an ice cream parlor and I'm not even living across the street from an ice cream parlor. BUT! Exactly one block from my house? YES! Its true! An ice cream parlor is going in baby! They are building it as we speak! They even have a giant plastic ice cream spoon hanging on the wall. A true indication that its coming soon. Its exactly 137 steps from my front door. I will be making those 137 steps everyday for the rest of my life. Of course, as i grow fatter from my ice cream consumption those 137 steps will get harder to make.. but I'll invest in one of those motorized wheelie cart things to drive me there.

YES! Today is a good day!!!!

Glasses

Today i put on my glasses... and yet the words were fuzzy and kinda dark... weird.... I took them off and the words were equally as fuzzy. Put them back on. Fuzzy. Darker. What the hell? Why don't my glasses work anymore!? I kinda freaked out a little. Until i realized my glasses were still in their case and i was putting my sunglasses on.

Rejects

The Mighty, Mighty Woodcocks softball team is now 2-1 for the season. We clobbered our last opponents called "The Rejects" 29-9. Ouch. After the game they gave us a cheer. Nobody ever gives a cheer after a game in our Berkeley Co-ed softball league. We thought it was super sweet. We all looked at each other and thought, eh.. why not. Lets give them a cheer back. Its only fair. So we all gathered around in a circle and reached back to our 10 year old little league brains and pulled a familiar cheer out. We yelled in unison, "2-4-6-8 who do we appreciate?! REJECTS! REJECTS! REJECTS!"     Yay! We threw our gloves in the air and smiled and waved at the other team. The team in the other dugout just stared at us... a very stoney stare. Hummm... thats weird. Just then the umpire came over and said... hey, uh... woodcocks... their name isnt the rejects... its "The Standard."     oooooooooooh..... ouch.... not only did we beat them all to hell 29-9 but we called them Rejects.       Thats gotta hurt.....

Sprinkler Burgers

I decided to surprise Michelle while she was out running errands and have a BBQ dinner ready for her when she got home. (Enter madcap sequence here) The on and off thingy for the backyard sprinkler is in the front of the house. She parked the car, got her groceries outa the back seat and proceeded to turn on the sprinkler as she walked to the front door. The sprinkler head was of course placed incredibly close to the BBQ. So much for her surprise gourmet burgers....

flax

Michelle made a blended fruit drink for me this morning for breakfast. She said she put Flax seeds in it to keep Prostate Cancer at bay...  ?

seeds

Four college kids live next door to us. Four boys who dont give their backyard a second thought. Its really just a place to keep their empty beer bottles. When we go out on our back deck and look in thier direction all we see is a dirt lot. Michelle has decided to do a little stealth gardening for them. Every time their frisbee accidentally flies over the fence she waits until dark and throws it back full of wildflower seeds. hee hee.. cant wait for the next rain! Soon they'll have their very own beer bottle/wildflower garden.

spider

There's a spider in the bathroom. Michelle refuses to kill it. Or relocate it. I am completely FREAKED out by the little suckers so I cant kill it or relocate it. So....... I will be using the corner gas station's restroom until said spider moves out.

The pros and cons of being an adult.
Cons:
You don't get an allowance for taking out the trash and making your bed.
You don't get to decorate your locker with pictures of Justin Bieber.
You have weird conversations with your mechanic. "You have to replace the rear differential." "HUH?"
You cant run around naked at the beach while your mom tries to put sunscreen on you. 
Nobody buys you new school clothes.


The Pros!
You can eat ice cream sandwiches for breakfast and nobody can stop you!!!!!!!!

When you see a wet paint sign are you absolutely compelled to touch it to see if its really still wet? Me too....

hair day

I'm having a terrible hair day. And nobody seems to have noticed. Which makes me think that most days must be bad hair days for me and people are just used to me looking like this. ?

Sports talk

These are my two favorite sports related quotes from Michelle. 

Well, the most recent ones anyway. There are plenty more....

undies

I had a doctor's appointment this morning. Before i left Michelle said, "Be sure to wear clean underwear!" Hummm... I can safely say that's one goal i successfully meet everyday...

clump

Yay! We're going to the snow this weekend! Time to ski!! Its the only winter storm of the year and we're taking advantage! We are a LITTLE worried about getting snowed in.. so I'm bringing cat litter to pour behind the tires so we can extract ourselves. Just remind me not to bring the clumping kind!

March Madness

March Madness is upon us people! Fill out your official NCAA Brackets and lets get this party started! Last year Michelle filled out her Bracket and had Boston University going all the way. Her mom went there and as a sign of solidarity she chose them to win it all! Oh.. except that she mistakenly thought BYU was Boston University. She even joined the BYU basketball fan club! Funny how one little letter can make SUCH a difference.

carpool

I was just thinking about a night when Michelle got a little tipsy on one of her favorite drinks called a sidecar. She grabbed the cocktail waitress and very loudly asked for another Carpool. heh heh.. i don't know.. maybe you had to be there.

earthquake

I got up at 5:30 this morning to go pee pee. And that's the exact moment the earth decided to shift it's position. Try changing the roll during a 4.0 shaker. Not as easy as it looks.

question

I still have no idea how to answer this question... "Is that what you're wearing?"

idol

Sometimes when I'm alone i pretend like I'm auditioning for American Idol. I usually sing "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins. It's my "go to" number. I belt it out into my wooden spoon microphone. I like to stand in front of the mirror so that i can practice my facial expressions to draw my fictional audience in emotionally. After I'm done with my song i usually chat with Jennifer Lopez about how she doesn't need to be jealous of me...she's pretty too...

fear factor

I have a new phobia. One that rivals my fear of sharks. And for those of you who've known me for a while.. that's HUGE! My new fear is that someday I'll win an Oscar and I'll have to wear one of those dresses. You know.. the fancy ones? and I'll have to walk the red carpet and make small talk with the media. I just... i couldn't do it. I just couldn't. So if one of my films ever comes up for Academy Award consideration please DON'T vote for me. Whats that you say? Have i ever made a film? No. But this is a phobia silly. IRRATIONAL. The kinds of things that keep you awake at 3 in the morning and have no resolution. My 3 am mantra goes something like this: "Did i turn off the coffee maker? Did i lock the front door? Did i pay the motorcycle insurance? Did i get nominated for an Oscar?"

Mmmhummm... you're shaking your head in agreement. You get it.

diet

I've had a terrible stomach flu for the last 3 days. But the good news is...Michelle and i are going to Hawaii in February and I'm well on my way to my bikini weight! Yes! High Five!

coffee talk

Morning conversation with Michelle:
Me: If i were another country and i wanted to invade the United States i would do it on New Years day.
Michelle: Why? Because all the stores are closed?
Me: ?