beard

Well, at least one good thing will come from the Giants losing.
I can finally shave this playoffs good luck beard I've been growing.

Giant let down

I feel lost and all alone. My G-men let me down.

fly like an eagle

This was me a few weeks ago. The Philadelphia Eagles were playing the Dallas Cowboys. I went to my local watering hole dressed in full Giants gear ready to BOO the Cowboys. I hate the Cowboys. I hate them so much that i sat down at a table full of conference rival Eagles fans. We high fived as Tony Romo got his face mask rubbed in the dirt. We hugged as Brian Westbrook ran for yet another touchdown. It was a magical day. Giants fans and Eagles fans breaking bread together and clinking beer glasses. Victory came to the Eagles that day.

But things have changed. The Eagles come to Giants stadium on Sunday. Sorry boys, we are no longer friends. Its time to get back to business. GO GIANTS!

Corporate wishes

So for the Holiday party at work they set up a "wish Tree." It was this sweet little tree with bare branches and then next to it on a table was a pen and a stack of snowflakes. The snowflakes had little hangy things so you could write a wish on them and then hang the snowflake on the tree. Lots of people wrote wishes...Everything from, "I'd like to win the Lotto," to the beauty pageant wish for World Peace. It was a very cute little tree. Well, when i returned from the holiday the little tree was still there... with its wishes still dangling from every branch. But there was an addition...a huge orange tag that read... TRASH.

Nice.

Beware the valet

Next up in our holiday recap...the journey to southern California. We rented a car so that we wouldn't have to drive the 61 VW Bug all the way down south. We can only go 50 mph in the bug and that means we'd be in LA two weeks late. So we rented some kinda new fancy car with all kinds of buttons and gas saving techniques built in. We started to load up all our gear and noticed that we couldn't open the trunk. We got out the fancy car manual and read up on the fancy trunk. Hold your fingers on the sensor for 1.5 seconds.. make sure you're holding the fancy key in your hand while touching the sensor...you should hear 4 beeps and then the trunk will unlock. Ok.. so there i stood in the rain at 5 am with the fancy key in one hand and my finger firmly placed on the sensor. No beeps. I put my finger on another section of the rear of the car.. no beeps. I felt up every inch of that rear end. Nothing. Ok ok...I figured there had to be some sort of manual lever inside the car so i fiddled around in the dark trying to "pop" the trunk. The little gas door opened. The Hood opened. The seat went back. But no trunk. Eh! Forget it! Stupid fancy car with its stupid fancy sensor! So off we went down the 5 fwy with EVERYTHING in the back seat... the presents, the luggage...the dog bed...the dog. All of us CRAMMED in the fancy car with a completely empty fancy trunk.

Later we learned from the neighbor who actually called the dealership for us that there is a Valet lock in the glove compartment. You can keep those nasty Valet guys outa your business with this little switch. Yah, 2009 is too fancy for me. I think i like 1961 better.

Christmas Potty

Hi. I've been away.. but i'm back. I'll recap my holidays for you in the next few days.

So, to start with...Michelle and i invited some friends over for a little pre-Christmas gathering. We were especially eager to meet our friend Jeanette's new fella. His name is John and he's straight from Ireland. We dolled up the house a bit and cranked the holiday tunes. We put Christmas cookies out on the table, dusted off the wine glasses and snapped a Christmas collar on our dog Banjo. The stage was set for a lovely evening. Our friend Wesley popped by a bit before our company was to arrive. He was just dropping something off for Michelle and was on his way to his own holiday get together. With about a minute remaining before we expected Jeanette and John, Wesley stands up and says, "Can i poop in your bathroom?" "What? No! The company is coming! You'll stink up the whole house!" I say. "But i really have to go!" He replied. I pulled his arm as he walked toward the bathroom. "NO! NO! NO! NO!" But he wouldn't listen and closed the door behind him. And then we waited. Hoping he was joking and would emerge quickly. No such luck, he was really doing it. Right before our guests would arrive he was pooping. I heard the flush as he threw open the bathroom door and exited with a smile. Just then the buzzer sounded from downstairs. They were here. Oh god! They were here!

So, I am officially apologizing to our new friend from Ireland and our dear friend Jeanette. Sorry for the stinky Christmas.

gone postal

I did something. I did something bad. But i don't want to tell you because i think its a federal offense. And i could.. maybe.. go to like... federal prison!

OK, OK... I'll tell you. I went to the post office to mail off a little Christmas present. I needed one of those bubble envelopes. You know, the kind that's padded? So i went to the display and took one. I was going to pay for it, really. I wasn't going to just take it! I addressed the envelope and got in line. A LONG line. The kind of line you don't have time to stand in during your lunch hour. And i waited. A while. In that LONG line. And then i saw it! Like a beacon calling me and my envelope ashore. It was the automatic postage machine. Did anybody really see me take that envelope? What if i just scoot outa line and use the machine? I thought about it for a second and then.. yes, i scooted. I walked really fast. Head down. Waiting for the "Hey Lady! You didn't PAY for that envelope!" But it never came. I used the machine...mailed my envelope.. and left the building. I gave a quick glance back at all those suckers in line. And grinned a very grinchlike grin. I'd done something evil at Christmas. And now.. I wait.. for the mailman to come arrest me and slap those cold steel cuffs around my wrists. You can address my Christmas cards to Sing Sing Prison. Cell Block 9.