lucky pork

question

2012-02-11T10:50:00.000-08:00

I still have no idea how to answer this question... "Is that what you're wearing?"

idol

2012-02-10T14:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I'm alone i pretend like I'm auditioning for American Idol. I usually sing "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins. It's my "go to" number. I belt it out into my wooden spoon microphone. I like to stand in front of the mirror so that i can practice my facial expressions to draw my fictional audience in emotionally. After I'm done with my song i usually chat with Jennifer Lopez about how she doesn't need to be jealous of me...she's pretty too...

fear factor

2012-01-31T16:36:00.000-08:00

I have a new phobia. One that rivals my fear of sharks. And for those of you who've known me for a while.. that's HUGE! My new fear is that someday I'll win an Oscar and I'll have to wear one of those dresses. You know.. the fancy ones? and I'll have to walk the red carpet and make small talk with the media. I just... i couldn't do it. I just couldn't. So if one of my films ever comes up for Academy Award consideration please DON'T vote for me. Whats that you say? Have i ever made a film? No. But this is a phobia silly. IRRATIONAL. The kinds of things that keep you awake at 3 in the morning and have no resolution. My 3 am mantra goes something like this: "Did i turn off the coffee maker? Did i lock the front door? Did i pay the motorcycle insurance? Did i get nominated for an Oscar?"

Mmmhummm... you're shaking your head in agreement. You get it.

diet

2012-01-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

I've had a terrible stomach flu for the last 3 days. But the good news is...Michelle and i are going to Hawaii in February and I'm well on my way to my bikini weight! Yes! High Five!

coffee talk

2012-01-01T16:38:00.000-08:00

Morning conversation with Michelle:
Me: If i were another country and i wanted to invade the United States i would do it on New Years day.
Michelle: Why? Because all the stores are closed?
Me: ?

cookie monster

2011-12-30T16:38:00.000-08:00

UH OH... I memorized the Nestle's Tollhouse chocolate chip cookie recipe. So much for any New Year's resolutions.

pearls of wisdom

2011-12-09T10:41:00.000-08:00

Just got the word from the doc. I have a kidney stone in my right kidney. Apparently my body makes pearls. Great news! Looks like I have all future Christmas gifts covered.

shave and a haircut... 2 bits

2011-12-07T14:13:00.000-08:00

Yes, you are correct. The above drawing is probably the single worst drawing I've ever done of a hand. Its kind of freaking me out to look at it. But i drew it to illustrate this story so bear with me for a moment.

I shaved my arms this morning. I looked down yesterday at my hands as i typed and besides noticing that they looked eerily like my mothers hands.. which was disturbing enough... i noticed that my arms were crazy hairy! I had been wearing a sweater and the wind combined with the friction of pushing my sleeves up and down all day as the temperature changed in the room made my little arm hairs stand straight up! I looked like a werewolf! I decided right then and there that i would shave it off in the shower this morning so as to avoid any further electricity hair raising problems. So i did just that. I got the ol' baby blue BIC outa the cabinet and shaved it right off. While i was at it i went after my mustache. Might as well. I emerged clean as whistle. Soft and pink. Just like i like me. BUT! Much to my dismay! I missed a patch on my wrist. Right where that sorta weird knuckle looking thing is on the outside of your wrist? Yep. Missed it. So today i have a bunch of frizzy electric hair standing straight up in a small bunch on my right wrist. Should i stretch my hand out to shake yours today.. please look away. I'm a beast.

banana

2011-11-15T20:25:00.000-08:00

Some people say that people look like their dogs. Michelle just got a new little dog she named Banana. I don't think they look alike at all.

caught cheating...

2011-11-07T13:37:00.000-08:00

First of all, i have to admit that i cant draw toes. As you can clearly see. Second, i have to admit that i got caught cheating. Which is worse? I'll let you be the judge. Here's the story:

Normally, i go to this manicure/pedicure place down the street when i get a hankerin' to have pretty nails. The ladies all know me by name. They are very sweet to me. And by nature I'm a very loyal person. And that goes for my toe nails as well. It just so happened that i was outa town recently and had to wear flip flops. My nails were a bit of a disaster so i popped into a nail salon for a quickie. You know...on the sly. I picked the same color i already had so nobody would know. Just a touch up really.... no commitment. I sat back, relaxed and started flipping thru a magazine. I began reading about some teen star's latest mishap when the woman working on me asked a question. I didn't fully HEAR the question so i just smiled and nodded and went back to the teen star nasty gossip. As she was finishing up i looked at my toes. OH NO! A Flower! She painted a flower on both of my big toes! I didn't get a flower at my usual salon! I never ask for a flower!! Well, fast forward to the my next visit at the salon down the street. I walked in and everybody said, "Hello Sara!" I sat in the chair and submerged my feet quickly. I rummaged for a magazine. Trying not to get eye contact. The nice lady who always works on me came to get started. She pulled my foot outa the water... looked at my toes... and looked at me over her glasses. "Pretty flower," she said. Knowing I'd been caught cheating "Uh, yah.. pretty..." i said as i blushed. Then she lifted my foot and showed the other ladies at the salon... "Pretty FLOWER," she said. I kinda half smiled. She grabbed a cloth and started rubbing the nail polish off my toes. She rubbed really hard and said under her breath..."mmhum pretty flower is GONE." And then she switched her normal little tool kit with a different tool kit that was hidden under a cloth in her bucket. She pulled a pair of rubber gloves onto each hand and did the "snap" as she reached her forearms. Oh gawd. Are those the "fungus" tools? Am i gonna get the fungus???

I learned my lesson. I'll never cheat again. My toes belong to her.

the kiss

2011-10-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

Last night Michelle and i decided to chuck the cooking utensils and make somebody else cook for us at a local restaurant. It was just one of those days, you know? As we walked thru the door we saw a couple we used to pal around with from our old neighborhood in SF. They were having dinner with her parents and then taking them to the Paul Simon concert at the Greek. FUN! We exchanged pleasantries and then adjourned to our own little table for two and enjoyed a delicious dinner. As the foursome finished their meal and made their exit they stopped at our little table to say goodnight. The husband John leaned in for a hug. I was seated at the table and was at a very awkward angle to hug somebody. My face somehow ended up sorta squished between his neck and his cheek. My face was stuck there. Pinned, really. For some reason i decided that in order to make the position of my face make sense it was a good idea to kiss him. ? I'm not a hug/kisser. I mean, i know some people do it. And that's fine. Although i don't like the air kissers with the pat, pat, pat on the back. That's weird to me. But anyway, i just don't kiss people when i hug them. Not my thing. So, yah... i kissed him. He pulled away and gave me a smile. Noooooo!!!!!!!!! No, No, No! It was a mistake! So now, every time i see him do i have to kiss him? Is that our THING now? Oh gawd.....

Fire

2011-10-14T09:49:00.000-07:00

Michelle and Banjo and I went camping last weekend for Banjo's 5th birthday. Yay! Fun! Right on the beach off Highway 1 above Bodega Bay. BEAUTIFUL! We set up our little tent, hung twinkly lights in the trees, and got out the special treat bag for our birthday girl. Fun! Fun! Fun! and then......... the first rain drop fell. Humm... maybe its just really thick fog? I mean, we ARE on the beach in Northern California. Certainly NOT bikini worthy. We continued on with the party until our eyelids were too heavy to hold open and then hunkered down for the night. I heard the beating raindrops on the roof of the tent all night. But I wished them away. Hoping that by morning this little storm would have blown right on outa town. When we woke up the next morning our little tent was basically a swimming pool. We were wet, the dog was wet, the sleeping bags were wet. I told Michelle that as fun as camping on the beach would be any OTHER time... we needed to get the hell outa there and dry off. "OK, OK.. she said but can you make a fire for us first and I'll brew a pot of coffee?" UH........Make a fire?? In the rain??? I DO have that primal fire thing, I must admit. I'm very proud of my fire making abilities. That I can keep my little family warm. But come on...its raining! And the wood is wet! And the newspapers are wet! And the matches are wet! And..... I'M WET! She looked at me with those, "I'm counting on you to save the day" eyes. "Well, I'll try" I said. And she happily scampered away to pack up our gear. The dog sat there looking at me. Judging me. I got out the wet newspaper and wadded it up into balls, stacked the firewood in the perfect tee pee shape just like my dad taught me. And pulled a wet match out the wet match box. And tried and tried and tried and tried and tried to light the match. nothing. tried again. nothing. Michelle kept stealing glances at me. "I'm trying!" I thought to myself. She smiled at me and went back to work rolling up our sleeping bags. UGH. Strike the match.. nothing. At this point I'm more than soaked. My shoes are full of water. The dog is standing in a foot of liquid. Judging me..........I finally gave up. Its impossible. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! So I sloshed over to Michelle and gave her the bad news. "I just cant make a fire in this storm. I CAN'T!" Her eyes welled with tears and said...................... "But all the OTHER campers have fires."

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......................epic fail.

healthy

2011-10-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

Last night Michelle and I went to an art show in downtown Oakland where she had a little piece hanging. As we walked toward the gallery we ran into an old friend of mine. Well, not really a friend. More of an acquaintance, I guess. She dated a buddy of mine for about 5 minutes. I always liked her. I thought she had it goin' on, you know? Very stylish and trendy and cool. One of those people who.. if they gave you the time of day you felt like you climbed up a rung on the social ladder. Yah, so anyway, I wasn't sure she'd remember me so I didn't try to get her attention. I just kept walking. But she saw me and recognized me and stopped me in my tracks. "Hey, Sara! So great to see you!" oh man.. she remembers me!! wow.... I stopped and gave her a hug and said it was great to see her too. And then she said it. SHE SAID IT! She said... "You look (awkward pause)........... healthy." WHAT???? I LOOK HEALTHY?????? What does that mean??? That means i look fat, right? That's what she meant!!! I mean, who says you look HEALTHY????

UGH, so last night i climbed back down a rung or two on the social ladder.

Wedding Singer

2011-09-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

When scouting wedding locations you should check with that Yogurt shop across the street from the gorgeous restaurant you found for your ceremony. Just make sure your big day doesn't overlap "FREE YOGURT DAY with every Karaoke performance!" Especially when the days are hot and all the windows are open.

decaf

2011-09-13T09:11:00.000-07:00

Michelle accidentally bought decaf coffee at the store. She decided to mix half decaf and half full-caf in our little coffee container and see if i noticed. Oh i noticed. I am literally half asleep.

flex

2011-08-25T10:04:00.000-07:00

I just want to remind that guy who just walked by the window and flexed that just because a window is tinted and reflective on one side it doesn't mean people aren't on the other side watching him. Its a WINDOW!

I also want to remind that guy who just walked by the window and flexed that...... he's welcome to do that ANYTIME!

Titanic example of bad taste

2011-08-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

Michelle and i were just at an outdoor festival in Oakland called "Art and Soul." There was a special area for the kids to play while the adults get loaded on Budweiser, listen to live music and shop for bad crafts. In the kid's play area there was a blow-up slide called the "Titanic Slide." This sounded interesting so I walked over to see it. I thought Michelle and i might push our way to the front of the line if it was big enough for us to slide down. As i got close i realized... the title Titanic wasn't in reference to its size. It was literally a replica of the TITANIC! The ship! The great maritime tragedy! And there were kids sliding down it and then plunging into the plastic blow-up ice burgh below! wow.......... that's all i have to say about that. WOW! Who thought THAT was a good idea?

buns

2011-08-05T16:13:00.000-07:00

I just went to the store and bought TINY hamburger buns...for no other reason than.. THEY'RE SOO DAMN CUTE!

the sandwich

2011-07-28T14:52:00.000-07:00

Last night when I got off the train from work I went to Brennan's to get a Turkey sandwich. I was too tired to cook dinner. So I got in line and sorted out exactly what I wanted. Turkey on a sourdough roll with the bread dipped in that au jus stuff… and some of that horrible cafeteria cole slaw that I love so much and a slice of key lime pie. Mmmmmm… yum…………………. The man behind the counter made the sandwich and boxed it all up nice and neat for me and handed my order to the cashier. I whipped out my ATM card to pay. I was soooooo hungry and ready to dig in! She ran my card… uh… not working. Not working? How is that possible? My dinner was only 10 bucks…… SHIT! I've been so busy this week I forgot to transfer money from my savings to my checking! I only had like 7 bucks in my account. Well, not to worry. I had more plastic. So I handed her my American Express card and reached for my sandwich. The cashier pulled the sandwich back… just outa reach. Uh.. We don’t take American Express here. SHIT! I stared at my little box on the counter with that DELISH sandwich nestled inside. I reached in my pocket… my face going from bright red to an ash white…any cash? I pulled out a wadded-up mess of one dollar bills and some change. At this point a line had formed behind me. I was "that guy." I spilled my money all over the counter and counted out JUST ENOUGH to cover my bill. I grabbed my sandwich before she could say anything further and rushed out the door. That sandwich tasted soooooo good! But………. I probably wont go back to Brennans for a while :)

left or right

2011-07-15T15:11:00.000-07:00

I play softball every Tuesday night for the Mighty, Mighty Woodcocks. The dugout is always full of Jr. woodcocks running around. In the middle of our last game one of the tiny tots came up to me holding her mommy's giant baseball glove. It nearly dwarfed her. She's 3 or 4 and has to be the cutest little girl on the planet. She said, "Sawa, which hand do i put this on?" So i said, "It goes on your left hand because you want to throw the ball with your right hand." She looked up at me.. those big baby blues staring deeply into my eyes... silence... and then she said, "Sawa, which one is my left hand?"

Dodged a bullet

2011-07-01T16:24:00.000-07:00

My badge that lets me into the building at work stopped working yesterday. It happens periodically. I used to freak-out and assume i got fired. But, you know.. that's just my nature. This time i just waited by the door until somebody came out and i dashed inside. YAY! Of course, that meant i couldn't leave the building but at least i was inside. I went and talked to the office administrator who knows all things about everything and has magical powers to fix anything from printers to a bloody nose. She said my badge expired and i had to get a new one. Complete with a new picture. "Uh! Wait! A new picture???" I've had a terrible cold all week. "No! I don't look my best! I cant get a picture taken today that I'll have to carry around with me my entire career here!?" She looked over her bi-focals at me and said.. "I'm afraid you will." And she made that YIKES face. So she walked me over to the new badge station and waited in line with me. When my turn came up the badge guy directed me to the little painted feet on the cement floor and said.. "Ok, stand there and we'll snap your photo." I walked to my spot. Sniffled and wiped my nose. Breathed heavily thru my mouth and wiped some goop from the corner of my eyes. He looked at me a little closer. "You know, i think we can just use your old photo..."

YES!

t-shirt

2011-06-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

I got myself a new motorcycle for my birthday. I've never actually purchased anything that was brand spankin' new. You know, straight from the showroom floor? I had the best intentions of being a tuff guy and playing hardball with the salesman. My buddy Wesley is the master. He can talk any salesman down. If you wanted to sell him something...by the time he was done with you...you'd beg him to take it for free and then thank him for doing so. I've watched him do it time and again. So, it was my intention to follow in his footsteps and get a really great deal on the new motorcycle. I emailed the sales guy a few times before i showed up to buy the bike and told him it was my birthday and asked if he was going to give me a super great deal just to show me how AWESOME i am? He said not to worry. I was going to be VERY happy and i would feel AWESOME. So fast forward to the day. My birthday. I showed up at the dealership ready to find the bargain of the century. He said it was really tuff but that his manager had approved a stellar deal for me. REALLY!? GREAT! I said excitedly! "Yes" he said, "You can pick out ANY t-shirt on the sale rack." ? huh? I get a t-shirt? YEP! Any t-shirt you want from the sales rack. some deal. i slumped over and went and picked out a t-shirt.

ok, so you knew this sentence was coming.

"I bought a Harley-Davidson and all i got was this stupid t-shirt.

ice cream

2011-06-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

What i learned today. If your boss is your friend on Face book... do NOT post that you are leaving early because you want to eat some ice cream.

glasses

2011-06-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, that day finally came. The day my arm just wasn't long enough. I have to hold magazines, books, text messages... as far as my arms will stretch away from my body in order to read the words. I'm far sighted. I can see a monkey playing hide and seek a mile and a half away but i cant see my hand in front of my face. So today... i did it. I decided to wear the glasses i paid so much for a few years ago. AND WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!!! I can seeeeeeeee!!!! I can see you at your computer looking at me!!! Its a new day baby!!! And here's the best part.. you know, the only difference between Clark Kent and Superman were those glasses. So... I figure I might be able to fly when I take them off. I'm gonna go to the roof at lunch and give it a try... I'll let you know what happens.

cab ride

2011-06-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

When we were traveling around Spain and Portugal we put a lot of trust in our taxi drivers. They know where they're going. We didn't. So, upon arrival in a new town we'd hop in a cab and ask the cabby to take us to whatever hotel we had lined up for that night. For the most part this worked out just fine. Until we arrived in a town call Faro in southern Portugal. We had just emerged from the train station and were a weeeeee bit hungover from a few too many glasses of wine the night before. We had just finished a grueling 3 hour train ride and were ready to get to our hotel and lay down. We walked directly to the line of yellow cars out front, threw our bags into the trunk of the first cab in line and hopped into the back seat. Michelle told the driver the name of the hotel. "Oh, Si!" he said and started the engine. I settled in for a long ride thru a new city. He pulled away from the curb and into traffic for approximately 2.5 seconds. He then pulled back to the curb and cut off the engine. He looked back at us in the rear view mirror...expectantly. We looked back at him...baffled. Are we stuck? Did the engine die? Do we have a flat? ? Silence... just that look... in the rear view mirror. Finally he said with a Portuguese accent "We are here!" HUH? No, we're still at the train station...right? So i looked out the window and sure enough there was our hotel...right next door to the train station. That ride cost us about 3 bucks. Nice Mr. Portuguese cabby. Nice. You could have just pointed.

Lost in translation

2011-06-04T11:43:00.000-07:00

Michelle and i don't speak Spanish or Portuguese which was a bit of a problem when we decided to take a trip to Spain and Portugal. BUT! Thanks to the magic world that lives in our iphones Michelle found an app that would translate anything we needed to say from English to any language we needed to speak. You just type in the sentence you want to say to a...cab driver...hotel receptionist...bartender... and presto! Out of the little speakers on the iphone comes the sentence for you in that language. Brilliant! Or so we thought. In reality what happened was...we typed in the sentence in English and it spoke the same exact sentence back to us...NOT in Spanish but in English with a Spanish accent. ? What the hell? I could have done THAT! Michelle should have given ME the damn dollar she paid for that app.

trim

2011-05-18T07:52:00.000-07:00

I cut my own bangs last night. Me + Scissors = MISTAKE

On a better note... Michelle and i leave today for a trip to Spain. Yay! We've never been there so if you have any tips please post them here for us to read on the plane. I'm pretty much planning this vacation the same way i got thru college. Pull an overnighter of study and then drink alot and cross my fingers that it will all work out.

spray paint

2011-05-16T21:21:00.000-07:00

So, i used to feel sorry for toll takers. I used to think they had the worst job ever. I thought, "Wow, that would really suck to be trapped in that little booth all day." But I've recently changed my mind. I think being a toll taker would be HEAVEN compared to my NEW choice for worst job ever. The official WORST JOB EVER goes to the woman who had to give me a spray tan. Yep. I showed up at the spray tan place and she asked me to take all my clothes off and stand in the corner of the room. She handed me a hair net to bundle up my long hair. I followed her directions and stood naked before her on my mark...little painted footprints on the rubber floor. She gave me a quick run thru of what would happen...how to stand...and directed me to spin slowly in circles so as to get a nice even tan. And then it began... she pointed a hose at me and brown spray paint filled the room as i did a sort of Macarena dance in the corner. Spin, spin, spin and HEY MACARENA! This was, as you might imagine, THE most embarrassing thing I've done in a very long time. I'm sure I've done more embarrassing things while intoxicated but fortunately for me.. i cant remember them. This one is burned forever in my mind. As I'm sure it is for that poor spray tan lady.

train ride

2011-05-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i ride the train home from work. There's not much to do to pass the time on the train except look out the window and let your mind wander. Here are some of the things i think while i'm on the train:

1. This train smells like Mayonnaise.
2. The guy behind me is snoring. If i bang the back of my chair really hard i wonder if i can wake him up? I'll try it.... BANG! Bang, bang, bang!!!!!! eh, nothin'
3. Yikes, Trains go thru some really nasty neighborhoods.
4. Hey, there's a bunch of kids peeing on the train as it passes!!!! Wow........ as disgusting as that is... I have to give it to 'em...they're pretty brave to get so close to the train with their little willy's exposed. I thought boys were more careful with their ding dongs. I would be if i had a ding dong.
5. Ugh, this train REALLY smells like Mayonnaise. I hate Mayonnaise.
6. The conductor guy is cute in his little "conductor guy outfit." I didn't think they really wore them. I wonder if he gets it dry-cleaned and the dry-clean lady feels sorry for him?
7. That lady across from me has gum. I found a quarter on the street the other day and i thought, "I'm gonna buy a gum ball with this quarter. But i never did.
8. Should i ask the lady for a piece of gum? But I'd have to ask for two pieces because i don't like how one tiny piece of gum feels in my mouth. hummm........ NO! I cant ask her.
9. I hope Michelle and Banjo are waiting for me at the station! I hope she's wearing a dress and white gloves and a big hat just like in the movies from the 40's!
10. I see Michelle and Banjo! No dress, gloves and hat...but lovely to see them, just the same.

Stick

2011-04-24T08:07:00.000-07:00

This morning when i walked outside our front door i noticed something a little different in the flower bed. There was a stick stuck in the ground. Just a plain brown stick. It seemed like somebody had intentionally jabbed it into the earth and left it standing there. Weird. So i asked Michelle if she had seen it since she's the green goddess in the family. She told me that she put it there because the neighborhood dogs were peeing on her baby flowers.

Our conversation is as follows:

ME: "uh... ok... but why is the stick there?"

Michelle: "so the dogs will pee on it."

ME: "But how will they know to pee on the stick?"

Michelle: "They always pee there. The scent is there. But now they have a stick to pee on rather than the flowers..."

I’ll let you know if the pee stick works. If it does, I’m going to go for a hike, grab a bunch of sticks, market them and sell them at home depot. I’m going to make a BAZILLION DOLLARS selling pee sticks!!!

kmart

2011-04-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

Michelle and i are on vacation at a ski resort. They have a super cool outdoor hot tub with views of the slopes. Cant think of anything better than sitting in a hot tub in the middle of snow storm. Steam rising as the snowflakes hit the boiling water. BUT! I forgot to pack my swim suit. I know, I know.. what's the big deal? just go in naked! Well, that sounds swell but there are children lurking about and they really don't need the mental trauma of seeing me naked. We decided to go shopping in town for a suit. A ski town... right. And, of course... as you might imagine, nothing. I finally put my pride aside and decided to try Kmart. Last resort. AND! They had bathing suits!!!!!!! In the back corner. Away from anything resembling a mirror. The selection consisted of approximately 5 different versions of the MOM suit. Complete with skirt and daisies.

i bought it. i wore it. i live with the shame.

one piece

2011-03-27T18:05:00.000-07:00

For Christmas I got Michelle a pair of those old timey long johns. You know, the kind with the butt flap you unbutton to go potty? It was kind of a joke gift... i had no idea she would actually wear them..

ALL THE TIME....

can i get a light?

2011-03-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

Last night i woke up in the middle of the night smelling gas. I got up and quickly checked the stove. Everything was off. I opened all the windows and waited for a bit until the smell began to dissipate. I finally decided it was safe to go back to bed. In the morning Michelle asked why all the windows were opened. I told her that i had smelled gas in the night so i opened them to get fresh air in the house. She said, "Oh you did smell gas! We left one of the burners on and the spark didn't ignite so gas was leaking. But don't worry, i checked it by lighting a match."

uh.....

WOW...I'm glad i survived THAT one!!

vertigo

2011-03-09T08:20:00.000-08:00

I've had vertigo for about a week now. Sucks. Really sucks. I talked to the doctor about it and he gave me an exercise to do to help get rid of it.

Get this.. this is the exercise:

Sit on the edge of the bed and THROW yourself down and SMASH your head against the bed. Repeat 10 times. This is to get some sort of ball bearing or something to roll around in your ear canal and move back into the right position. I think its just a doctor prank.

gullible

2011-02-27T10:54:00.000-08:00

OK, I'm going to admit it. We believed them. We believed the news reports about the great storm of 2011 where San Francisco would be covered in a soft velvety blanket of snow. We believed that we would be able to make snow angels in the middle of our abandoned streets. That we could take the wheels off our skateboards and have banjo pull us on them like sleds. We made diagrams of the snowmen we wanted to make and broke out the snowflake cookie cutters. In preparation for the great storm I covered the motorcycle and lounge chairs and Michelle brought in all her baby plants and organized them in rows on the living room floor. We drove from store to store and gathered all the essentials, bolted the doors and readied ourselves for 3 days of cabin fever. And then.... we waited........ and waited...... and waited. nothing. not even a drop of rain. its almost as disappointing as Lindsay Lohan's latest arrest. (almost)

so now we have an abundance of toilet paper and alcohol. Feel free to pop by anytime you need to go potty or need a shot of tequila. We're all stocked up.

frog soup

2011-02-21T12:49:00.000-08:00

We went to a fancy spa-like place for Michelle's birthday. It's up the coast in a beautiful "off the beaten path" type area surrounded by gorgeous redwood trees and babbling brooks. It was one of those get aways where your goal is to leave the modern day behind and sort of get back to nature. Oh we got back to nature all right. In fact, nature cozied right up to us. We decided to go in the hot tub even though it was cold and raining. We grabbed a bottle of red and a couple plastic glasses, put on our swimsuits and robes and ran to the hot tub. We jumped right in! Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! fun!! I popped the cork and poured a couple glasses. Aaahh... nice. Super warm bubbly water in the middle of a rainstorm. What could be better? Loved it. Until.. i noticed we weren't alone. Apparently the local amphibian residents of the spa had the same idea. And we discovered we had busted in on a partying bunch of frogs that had already claimed the hot tub. Now here's the question? Leave the hot tub to the frogs? or stay and enjoy a glass of wine in the rain with our new friends?

I'll never tell.....

birthday surprise!

2011-02-17T08:07:00.000-08:00

Today is Michelle's birthday! Yay!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

big head

2011-02-15T11:20:00.000-08:00

I've decided to let myself obsess over one thing per day. Today you might think i would be obsessing about that guy on the other side of my cubicle wall who keeps sniffling and clearing his throat. While that IS very worthy of obsession. And increasingly annoying... No. Not today. Today I'm obsessing over the size of my head. My GIANT noggin. I've mentioned my giant head to Michelle and she very nicely tells me that it means I'm very smart...that there's plenty of room for a lot of brain power. But the fact that she agrees that my head is larger than normal means my head is GIGANTIC and much too large for my body. So.. as a result of my obsessing about it for hours...I've come up with a solution. I can not decrease the size of my humongous pumpkin head. That is not an option. BUT! What i CAN do is make my body of equal proportion. Sooooo... bring on the cookies! I've got some catching up to do!

the jacket

2011-02-05T17:13:00.000-08:00

Last night Michelle and i went to Oakland's "First Friday Art Walk." Lots of local artists to check out in trendy art galleries, street vendors selling cool stuff and musicians doing their thang in the alley ways. I wore my super cool new cream colored leather jacket. Needless to say...i felt cool. Super cool. I put on my "art collector" persona and slowly strolled the avenues looking for a treasure. I kept feeling people rub up against my back. Michelle said she thought they were feeling how soft the leather of my super cool new cream colored leather jacket was. I didn't really give it a second thought. It was VERY crowded. No biggie.

When we got home i took off my super cool new cream colored leather jacket...and realized there was a huge SALE tag hanging on the back.

So much for being super cool.

garden thief

2011-02-04T19:04:00.000-08:00

Michelle and i went for a walk around the neighborhood today and noticed that one house down the street has a really fancy garden. Most houses in Berkeley have fancy gardens so its not that unusual to see some amazing stuff. But this house in particular had TONS of gorgeous things sprouting from every inch of their front yard. We stopped for a moment to take it all in. mmm...lovely. We looked at each other and suddenly sprouted horns on the tippety top of our heads. Little devils. We spoke in hushed voices. We'll come back after dark with some snippers and SNIP some of their plants to replant in our OWN garden. Hee hee hee... sneaky. They'll never know! We'll be quiet as church mice.

As we walked away i noticed something out of the corner of my eye. A man. Oh no! The owner of the house was standing on his porch hidden from view! He'd heard the whole conversation. We quick stepped as fast as we could back to safety. Checking behind us the whole way for his Berkeley Garden Society posse coming to round us up. I was imagining them in their giant rubber boots, garden gloves and big floppy hats holding pitch forks and searching for us on horseback in the night.

needless to say... we wont be stealing any plants tonight.

But tomorrow?

One never knows...

winter

2011-01-28T09:24:00.000-08:00

This particular winter in California is sooooo confusing.

(by the way, this pic is in response to the literally THOUSANDS of requests i receive daily to see me in a bikini.)

jiggle

2011-01-26T11:14:00.000-08:00

I went for a run this morning. It was the first time i laced up the old running shoes and strapped on that steel trap of a running bra since before Christmas. Ooooooh. Let me just tell you. I have waaaay more jiggly bits than i remember. And the jiggly bits i dooooo remember are larger, in topiary-like shapes and have moved to random areas of my body.

damn Christmas cookies....

litter

2011-01-12T09:46:00.000-08:00

There's a two story Target store down the road from us. I like to go there because they have this cool escalator for your cart. Right. Not just a people escalator but an escalator for your cart so that if you go upstairs you can take your cart with you. BRILLIANT! So Michelle and i did a little shopping on the first floor. We got some soda, hair dye and a 40 pound box of cat litter. Yes, 40 pounds. It was on sale. We didn't really need anything upstairs. But i love riding the escalator. Like its a ride at an amusement park. So we loaded up the cart on its very own escalator and rode up to the second floor. Love it. We turned right around and loaded the cart to go back downstairs. My plan was to do this over and over.. at least 12 times. Well, let me just stop here and tell you...there are no warning signs.. Nothing like, "Your cart must be over this height to ride this ride" or "You cant ride this ride if your cart weighs.. lets say.. 40.5 pounds." So anyway, we load the cart on its track to come back down and off we go. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee... fun!!! until.. uh oh... i heard a kind of cracking sound. And then the escalator sort of "bucked." OH NO! Our cart was too heavy and released itself from the track! It started rolling! Crashing into the carts in front of it! Now ALL the carts on the track are releasing themselves and FLYING down the escalator toward the "Beat the flu" display below! People were frozen in disbelief as carts took off on their own! SMASH! BANG! CRASH! They all gathered at the bottom. Bunched up like stuck typewriter keys. By the time we got to the bottom floor it looked like one of those mass suicide photos. Complete with purple blankets and Nike shoes. At this point the escalator is completely broken and has stopped working. A really mean Target lady in her little red outfit came and gave us a "look." We dislodged our cart from the others. And slowly pushed it away. No proof we started the whole thing. They'll never know it was us. But from now on... I'll ride the "ride" BEFORE we get the cat litter.

jackhammer

2011-01-05T10:56:00.000-08:00

Michelle and i are doing a little home improvement project that involves breaking up some cement along the side of the house. I got a jackhammer to do the job. Wow...now i know why there aren't many female jackhammer operators.

Bouncy boobies!!!

confused

2010-12-21T10:32:00.000-08:00

Banjo is a girl. I'm fairly certain of that fact. But she lifts her leg and pees on stuff. Do you think having two moms has screwed her up? Does she need doggy therapy?

taller

2010-12-17T16:11:00.000-08:00

I've been noticing lately that Michelle seems taller. I don't think she's been wearing higher heels. Is she having a mid-life growth spurt? or...wait...

AM I SHRINKING????????????

meeting

2010-12-10T17:14:00.000-08:00

Do you ever worry that you'll get a sudden case of Tourette's Syndrome in meetings? I do. I worry that one of these days i'm not going to be able to stop myself and i'm going to yell... BORING!

paste

2010-12-03T15:13:00.000-08:00

Whoa! Now THAT'S dangerous!

the closet

2010-12-01T11:31:00.000-08:00

I was looking for my motorcycle jacket this morning. I thought it might be in the front closet so i opened the door and...discovered where Michelle keeps everything.

and i mean, EVERYTHING.

urban bandits

2010-11-20T18:13:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago there was a news story about a woman who was chased and attacked by a pack of raccoons. Apparently, they jumped from the trees like little monkey ninjas and tried to take her jewelry! They kidnapped her dog and then drove off into the night in their tiny '57 Chevy. OK, OK.. i made that part up. BUT! The story was nearly as ridiculous. Michelle and i LAUGHED as we heard the news report. Silly. Raccoons? Attacking PEOPLE?

Fast forward a week to the night before trash day. We were rolling out the bins to the sidewalk when we heard some weird scratching noises down the street. It was after sun down so it was hard to see. I could make out the shape of..........HOLY CRAP! A pack of raccoons were racing toward us!!!! They were pissed off!!! And wanted our jewelry. Remembering the news story we turned and ran as fast as we could to the house!

I just want to humbly apologize to the poor raccoon attack lady.

Those little dudes are really scary.

slap

2010-11-17T09:56:00.000-08:00

So the Mighty, Mighty Woodcocks won the Berkeley Rec C League Championships last night. It was a hard fought battle complete with a miraculous comeback by our injured second base(woman) who hit the winning run. It all happened in slow motion...there should have been "The Natural" movie soundtrack playing in the background. We're trying to get the rights to the story and have Lindsay Lohan play our star. You know, after she finishes rehab, of course.

But this morning I'm left with an overwhelming sense of loss. The season is over and we don't rev up our softball engines again until March. I'm not mourning the loss of the game. I'm mourning the loss of the appropriate venue for a good slap on the ass.

funny

2010-11-12T07:57:00.000-08:00

My back hurts. I slept funny.

small world

2010-11-10T08:54:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my dog Banjo and i like to sing when we're alone in the car. We like to sing really loud. This morning we were impersonating Richard Nixon singing "It's a small world."

trick

2010-11-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

We didn't get any trick or treaters at our door on Halloween. NOT ONE STINKIN' KID! and we stocked up, man. We were ready. We had BAGS of candy ready to go. And nothin'. Nobody. NADA.

so now? I'm a strung out mess. Twix! Snickers! Reece's cups... you name it..i'm eating it. At an alarming rate. Fists full. I cant stop myself!!

So thanks batman. Thanks Harry Potter. Thanks 21st miner.

Yah, thanks...for the extra 12 pounds on my thighs.

the cat

2010-10-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

The other day i heard the dogs next door barking like crazy. I went out on the back deck to see what was going on and found my cat Roscoe jabbing his fluffy little arm at the dogs under the fence.

That dude's a bad ass! Not the smartest member of the family. But a BAD ASS!

20 bucks

2010-10-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

uh oh...

motorcycle

2010-10-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

Michelle wouldn't let me ride my motorcycle until the health insurance from the new job kicked in... Cant imagine why..........

ahhh.. happiness is health insurance.

the bus

2010-10-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

I take a bus home from work sometimes. I work like 4 years away from home and so its a LONG ride. Last night we drove home in a rain storm. Kinda sketchy. I really wanted the bus driver to pay attention but he kept getting phone calls in his little blue tooth ear piece. He was distracted and i was freaked out. I was sitting in the front row so i was watching out the HUGE glass window as we swerved back and forth. In and out of traffic. Nearly crashing into the cars in front of us. Here's an excerpt from his phone calls:

"Yah, the Doc said i have to come into the office tomorrow." (other person talks..probably concerned) "Yah, he says i have a VERY serious bacterial infection and i MUST come into the office at 4:10 tomorrow." (other person talks..probably saying "HUH?") "Yah, the doc says i have a bacterial infection in my BLADDER. DAMMIT! I TOLD YOU SOMETHING WAS WRONG!"

OH GAWD!!!! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hat

2010-10-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

A 3 year old can really help your self esteem if

you ever doubt your outfit choice for the day.

Squirrel softball

2010-10-13T16:27:00.000-07:00

This morning Michelle told me i needed to do a new post because the last one wasn't drawn very well and people might think i cant draw. I always...sometimes...appreciate her blunt delivery. The problem is my scanner is busted and i haven't had a minute to get a new one. So this little drawing was done right in the computer. Not tooooo bad...

anywhooooo... the story that goes along with this is as follows:

Michelle planted a bunch of sunflowers in the back yard. They grew and grew and the faces got HUGE! And there were hundreds of sunflower seeds ready for harvesting. Once harvested, a little salt and an hour in the oven and PRESTO! I save 99 cents on a bag of sunflower seeds for my next softball game. That is unless SOMEONE gets to the seeds first! I came outside this morning and found tons of empty shells on the patio. Apparently there was a squirrel softball game last night and those little buggers ate all my seeds! Dammit!

I'm not really mad about the seeds.

I'm mad that i missed watching squirrels play softball.

the tv

2010-09-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

Not sure if you can sort out what's going on in this cartoon. The drawing is a little rough this week. But...we got a new TV. You know, a really big one...the kind that has so many wizbangers and touchmatics that it basically lets you talk to the astronauts on the moon? Its amazing. I held on to an old TV from the 80s. It was my friend. We watched Superbowls and cried through a few election cycles together. We watched wars right in our own living room. Yah. It was my friend and we'd been through a lot. I put it out on the curb for the guy with the big TV truck to come by in the morning and round it up. Then i plugged in the new TV and sat back and let the show begin.

I couldn't help but think about my buddy out there. On the curb. In the cold. Surely it saw me through the living room window. Laughing at Seinfeld with someone new. It must have broken its tiny tube of a heart.

The next morning the TV of my 80's, 90's and 2000's was gone. My friend. Was gone.

BUT WHAT THE HELL! ITS FOOTBALL SEASON AND I HAVE A BIG SCREEN TV TO WATCH IT ON!!

elevator music

2010-08-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

One thing they should tell you when you're a new employee is that the elevator wont go up or down without swiping your security badge in front of the little red dot on the wall.

I think that's important information.

especially since i just wasted a good ten minutes waiting for the elevator to go up or down...

Cruncher

2010-08-04T09:01:00.001-07:00

Some of you (Cake) have asked how the new job is going.

Everything is swell.

bye.

oh wait...OK there is ONE thing...

Please enjoy a drawing of my co-worker.

There's this...person? I'm assuming a woman? On the other side of the cube wall from me who seems to REALLY enjoy her snacks. I havent actually seen her. I caaaaaaaasually saunter by her desk for a peek but so far she mysteriously disappears when i swing by. She's a cruncher. Boy is she a cruncher! A cruncher and a muncher. ALL DAY LONG all i hear is CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH. Directly on the other side of the cube. Its not a thick wall. Technically, she could be sitting on my lap. Sometimes i put my finger in my right ear to block the sound. I put my headphones on and listen to Renee Harcourt's lovely tunes. But no matter what i do i can still hear that faint...crunch, chew, crunch, munch, crunch...slurp...crunch

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP EATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dads

2010-08-01T18:37:00.001-07:00

So.. some of you have noticed that I've been missing. Well, i haven't really been missing. Not in the hang flyers, post my mug on milk cartons sense of the word. But my blog posts have been few and far between. I humbly apologize for that. I quit my job.. and then started a new job. The last few weeks have mostly been about getting some sort of routine back in my life. And.. now it has. All is right in luckypork land. And so lets commence with the frivolity! Shall we?

The Mighty, Mighty Woodcocks are playing Friday nights now. We were playing on Tuesdays for some odd reason. But now we play on that holy of holy nights in the work week...FRIDAY. Sometimes we have an early game which is around 6:30. If we get the early slot the players with kids bring them to the game. Its fun to have the little woodcocks in the dugout with us cheering their tiny lungs out. I love hearing itty bitty voices yelling in unison "KILL EM SAWA!" Last Friday a couple of the dads on the team were left in charge of the junior woodcocks while we took the field. I noticed something odd when we came back in for our turn to bat. A urine like smell in the corner. Hummm...And then i overheard one dad tell junior, "Yes, if you have to pee just go in the corner like your sister." OH DEAR. We had little ones squatting and pointing their little wee wee's in the corner all night! The team we beat that night were named the "Stinky Salmons." Soooooo, I'm just going to go on record here and tell everyone that the stinky salmons lived up to their name and left that field REALLY stinky.

wink.

sunscreen

2010-07-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

Michelle puts sunscreen on Banjo's nose before she goes out with her little doggy pack everyday. Seriously, i think its a bit much. I think she's embarrassed.

oh god...

2010-06-30T10:53:00.001-07:00

I quit my job!

ghost

2010-06-21T15:57:00.001-07:00

That's our ghost. Yep, the house came with a ghost. I'm not really surprised. The house was built in the 1920's. So, it figures somewhere along the line a spirit might get stuck in the rafters and linger in Berkeley for a few hundred years while they sort things out in the afterlife. I met her the other night. Michelle was sound a sleep and i saw an outline of an older woman with a little hat sitting on her chest giggling up a storm. I couldn't believe my eyes!! I kept trying to open them wider and wider to make sure i was really seeing what i THOUGHT i was seeing! I looked at the alarm clock to see what time it was and suddenly all kinds of the most vibrant colored plants started growing all around it. It looked like a restored Disney film. I half expected the vines to start singing a ballad to me. Our garden is doing exceptionally well in the backyard. I mean, maybe TOO well. It makes sense that a spirit would be lending a hand. I don't really mind knowing that she's around. It doesn't scare me. After all, she makes a yummy salad.

age

2010-06-17T13:33:00.000-07:00

I think there's a certain age you reach when you just don't care anymore if people see you picking your nose in public.

I think I've reached it.

sunflower girl

2010-06-02T10:31:00.001-07:00

Guess how many sunflowers Michelle planted in the backyard.

Go on guess!

Nope, more!

MORE!

SHE PLANTED 43 SUNFLOWERS IN THE BACKYARD!

yoga

2010-05-26T13:31:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been taking "casual carpool" to work. Its a handy dandy way to get to the city from across the bay. The deal is... drivers don't want to pay the bridge toll and the carpool lane is free. Alas, most drivers dont have enough passengers to fill the car. Pedestrians don't want to pay for the train but dont want to drive either. aaaahhh... A perfect storm. Drivers need passengers and passengers need drivers. A true win-win for everyone involved. So cars line up at a designated area and pick up passengers. Nobody talks. You just sit there and look out the window and pretend you don't know the others are there. The car radio MUST be tuned to public radio. You ride for about 15 minutes and then TAH-DAH there you are in the city. For FREE. Awesome system.

Well, the other day i got in a car that only had two seats. A little sports car type thing. Not new and fancy tho.. kinda old and taped together. I could smell that new age hippie smell of too many years burning incense. I think it had permeated her skin as well as the worn leather seats. We said good morning to one another and then she took off like a rocket. Zig-zagging her way thru traffic.

"I'm sorry," she whispered in a weird sort of purrrr.
"But I'm late."
"Oh that's fine." I turned and gazed out the window. I was trying to keep with the rules and limit my conversation. But it was no use. I got a talker driver.
"Whats up with the weather?" she asked.
"I think its going to clear up." I said, hopefully.
"I think it's going to be beautiful today."
"Ahhhh...yer a dreamer. Just like my ex-husband." she purred.
"in any case, I'm late to jail." she said.
"Jail?" i asked.
"Yes, jail.

silence.

zig, zag.

silence.

I couldn't help myself. I had to ask.
"So... you work at a jail?" I whimpered.
"Yes," she said thru a clenched, toothy grin. "I teach yoga to inmates."

silence.

And then the ride ended. And she sped off to jail.

if only i could be a fly on the wall in THAT yoga studio.

same

2010-05-25T12:51:00.001-07:00

I stepped into the elevator yesterday and some dude had the same shirt on as me.

tomatoes

2010-05-13T09:37:00.001-07:00

Our little garden is starting to take shape! Its starting to take the shape of a giant tomato plant! Oh sure, we have other things growing. We have some cucumbers and some peppers. But Michelle went a little crazy with the tomato seeds and now our garden is one GIANT tomato plant after another. Put your order in for tomato soup, tomato sauce, tomato paste, tomato bread, tomato cookies, tomato pancakes.....

dye

2010-05-12T10:15:00.001-07:00

Trust is a major part of any relationship. Whether its a friendship or a romantic relationship you must TRUST each other in order for the relationship to last. Am i right? mmmmmhummmmm... i'm right. Keep that in mind as i tell you this little story.

Michelle has been egging me on lately to dye my hair dark. Mainly because michelle is the one who dyes my hair for me and i think she's tired of it. I think she wants me to go from my BEAUTIFUL golden locks to a darker, more mousy color that's closer to my real color. Because she doesnt want to do it anymore. But i LIKE my BEAUTIFUL golden locks and don't want to go dark. The other day michelle dyed my hair for me. She got out the little box of hair dye from under the bathroom sink and proceeded to smear the color all over my head. She told me to wait there for it to cook and then to jump in the shower and rinse out the color. I did just that. I waited. While it cooked. When the kitchen timer DINGed I jumped in the shower and washed it all out. When i finished i looked in the mirror. It looked a little darker than usual. But it was still wet. No worries. I'm sure its still my BEAUTIFUL golden color. I plugged in the hair dryer and flipped my hair over to dry. When i finished i flipped my hair back to its upright position and looked in the mirror.
"WAIT A MINUTE!"
Michelle came running in..."oh its perfect! Isn't it pretty??" she asked.
"Uh, its darker than i thought." i said.
"Yes! Its much better, don't you think?" she asked with a twinkle in her eye.
I just grumbled and walked into the living room and plopped down on the sofa. Me and my dark hair sat and watched golf.

so you see... trust is very important. But what i learned from this experience is...BUY YOUR OWN HAIR DYE!!!!

rain...

2010-04-28T12:39:00.000-07:00

This is my softball season so far...
rain out, bye, forfeit, rain out, rain out.
Its as if it never happened at all.

the table

2010-04-27T14:42:00.000-07:00

I remember asking my high school math teacher when i would ever actually USE math....

cab

2010-04-19T16:34:00.001-07:00

Last night i had a dream that i was taking a cab to work. Yep, that's it. Just riding in a cab all night.. on my way to work. No stimulating conversation with the cabby. Just sitting there. Driving to work. all night long.

What can it mean?

stairs

2010-04-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i like to exercise as much as the next guy. Yah, if the next guy's idea of exercising is sitting on the couch and watching Biggest Loser. But i do it. Because if i didn't exercise I'd be ON Biggest Loser. But i want to work out when i choose to work out. I don't want it forced on me. And that's exactly whats happening. The escalator at just about EVERY train station in the bay area is broken. Which, of course, means i have to take the stairs. Its about 3 flights to get to the street above. Every morning. Up we go! All of us worker bees taking the stairs because if we didn't we'd be trapped in the bowels of the Bay Area Rapid Transit system. And really, nobody wants that. Oh sure there's always a guy playing some sort of musical instrument to try to keep us smiling. This morning it was a banjo player. I tossed a dollar in his case and growled thanks through my gritted teeth as i ascended (yet again) the broken escalator's stairs. The escalator at the North Berkeley station has been broken since i moved the east bay. Its been about 3 months now. They have the giant replacement parts stacked up in the middle of the platform with caution tape wrapped around it. At this point its turned into an art installation.

CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TAKE A CLASS AND LEARN HOW TO FIX ESCALATORS!!!!??

LATE!!!

2010-04-14T15:13:00.000-07:00

Last night was our first official softball game for the Mighty, Mighty Woodcocks. We had a game a couple weeks ago but it got rained out in the second inning so this was really the first full game. I was very excited to dust off the ol' cleats and smack some dudes asses for the first time after a very long and wet winter. I had my evening planned out perfectly. I'd go get my hair cut at 6 and be at the field at 7:30. Game started at 7:40. That left me 10 minutes to tie my laces, stretch out the hamstrings, throw the ball around a bit and be on the bench ready for the first pitch right on time. Noooooooooo problem. Until i heard this, "I'll just get out the flat iron so you can see what the haircut should really look like." uh wait, no... i didn't schedule time for the flat iron! I only scheduled enough time for the cut and a quick blow dry! No flat iron!!! But Leslie my dear friend and hair stylist extraordinaire was insistent. 'Oh, it will just take a minute. I cant let you walk out of here half done, now can i?" she lectured. "Now if only this thing would heat up...." oh god! I'll be late to the game! And we need a certain amount of people or we'll forfeit! We'll lose!!!! She started in on the flattening... "See.. it just takes a minute...to.. hummm.. you have a LOT of hair..." TICK, TICK, TICK "ok, now we're cooking! Its looking great! oh, hold on.. plug seems to be loose..." TICK, TICK, TICK... AAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!! She FINALLY finished up and spun me around in the chair with a hand held mirror to admire the...UH... flatness? Yep! Flat! Looks swell! Ok, gotta run!!! i said, as i quickly scribbled out a check for services rendered. I jumped in michelle's blue VW bug and we were off to the field. A Mad dash to make it by game time! I hadn't changed yet. I had my sports bra in my backpack. I just had to put it on as we drove. I unsnapped the one i was wearing and flung it to the backseat. On with the sports bra! Just as i was making my wardrobe change we skidded around a corner to find a father and son looking directly at me! "SORRY DAD!!!" I yelled as he shielded the boys eyes! Wow, that must have been quite a sight! I finished changing and pulled up to the rec center. I ran to the field. But alas...it was too late. Game time had come and gone and we had lost. The other Woodcocks were kind. They all smiled and said my hair looked nice. But i know inside their little woodcock hearts were broken. I learned a valuable lesson last night. Flat hair is for sissy's. Not Woodcocks.

Sorry fellas. I'll slap your ass next week.

mystery garden

2010-04-08T13:19:00.001-07:00

We have a little garden patch in the backyard. Its so exciting to plant seeds and then see their little green heads pop up out of the soil and start growing! We have great plans to make fresh salads and maybe stir fry some veggies straight from the garden. But these dishes will be mystery plates since Michelle neglected to label anything. At this point its just a bunch of green stuff. "What will you be, little fella? What will you be?"

snail

2010-04-02T17:10:00.001-07:00

I hate this time of year because the snails seem to wander aimlessly on the sidewalk. Why do they lose their way? There's nothing i hate worse than that sound..crack...under my shoe. Poor, poor aimless snails!

daisy

2010-03-25T12:30:00.000-07:00

This is my new favorite thing about our little house. Daisy. She's a little old Asian woman who lives directly behind us. Apparently, she lost her husband last year so she's all alone. Whenever she hears us in the back yard she peeks her tiny little garden hat covered head over our fence (with the help of a step ladder) and judges our garden. "You grow peas?" she'll ask. "Oh yes, we are growing some peas over in that back corner over there. (i point to our dirt patch.) They're not ready yet. Still babies." She giggles and climbs down from her perch. A few minutes later she emerges with a HUGE bag of peas fresh from her lush and overgrown garden. "You like these." I stretch to reach the bag of goodies. "Oh thank you, Daisy!" Time passes as she watches us struggle with the weeds in our dirt patch. "You grow tomatoes?" Oh, yes... we are growing a tomato plant. See?" as i point again at our brown sod. She climbs down from her perch and this time emerges with a HUGE bag of tomatoes. "You like these." she says. I can hear her giggle as i take them. This continues with some regularity. It seems Daisy takes great pleasure in our sophomoric gardening ways.

I love Daisy. Her mere existence makes me smile.

pen

2010-03-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

So whats the deal with the little ladies who wear a pen on a chain around their neck? I can understand wearing your glasses on a chain. You really need your glasses and sometimes you might forget where you put them. But a pen? On a chain? around your neck? Is there a need for this? Like, maybe you might run into a fed ex guy and UNEXPECTEDLY be asked to sign for something? Or maybe you were working on a crossword puzzle and you might SUDDENLY think of the answer to 5 across? Maybe its a germ phobia type thing? Maybe these ladies are asked to sign in before they can get on the elevator for work and they don't want to use that icky soiled pen that everyone else has touched?

This pen around the neck thing has been bothering me for a few days now. Weird, i know...but i cant let it go. CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????

free paper

2010-03-12T10:41:00.003-08:00

Is it such a crime to read somebody else's newspaper on the train? Sheeesh. I cant afford a paper every morning so i just sort of leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean and read somebody else's. Well, this morning i got the look. You know the one. The one that says, "Hey lady! Get your own damn paper!" But i didn't care. I was in the middle of a good article. I kept reading. Then he moved ever so slightly to his left. Just enough so that i couldn't see that last paragraph. UGH. C'mon people. I thought voting for Obama meant we were socialists now. Share your paper!

Re-do

2010-03-09T15:30:00.003-08:00

This morning when i woke up i decided i wanted to go to work dressed like a tuff guy. You ever do that? Just wake up and want to kick the world's ass? I put on my jeans and rolled them up to make these big, fat cuffs. I laced up my well worn black leather motorcycle boots. I pulled a faded grey t-shirt over my head and rolled up the sleeves. I walked out of the bedroom with a big smile on my face. Like, look at me, world! I'm gonna kick your ass! And then Michelle walked in the front door. (use screeching record sound effect here) She had taken Banjo for a walk. "Yer not going to WORK like that, are you?" She ran off and rifled through my dresser drawers to pick out an outfit more suitable for work. well, according to her. And now I look like a golfer. So much for ass kickin'...just meet me at the country club at tee time.

Party House

2010-03-08T12:44:00.000-08:00

Michelle bought some catnip for Roscoe and Ethel and accidentally left it on the front porch. It was the actual plant...not just dried up leaves in a plastic tub or stuffed into a fake mouse. Oh yah, this was the good stuff, baby! Fresh on the vine. The next morning we walked out onto the porch and felt a little like parents who left their teenager home alone for the weekend. We found the flower pot. It was ravaged! Knocked over with all the catnip leaves completely chewed off. We can only IMAGINE the party going on outside our front door last night...We ended up taking Roscoe's cell phone away. Seriously, No more drug hookups for him.

the pile

2010-03-02T17:10:00.000-08:00

Hello! Its been a while since we've chatted. I've had the flu. Not the nasty piggy flu...I don't think. Just the regular one that makes you sound like Brenda Vaccaro. If you're not old enough for that reference just imagine a nasty smokers cough and you're in the ball park. Anywhoooo, I'm close to getting back to my old self so i thought i'd give you an update on the house. At this time we have something in the backyard we like to simply call "The Pile." Once upon a time "The Pile" was actually sheets of concrete the previous owners poured to cover a nasty blackberry thicket. I went to the local hardware store and laid down my hard earned 30 bucks for the finest concrete smashing device on the shelf. Yep, a good ol' fashioned sledge hammer. Me and my trusty sledge hammer smashed and banged and crushed all that cement into baby concrete balls. It took a full weekend but i did it. Which i neatly piled up in the corner of the yard. and there it sits. In the corner. for weeks now. It talks to me at night. It tells me i'm a hillbilly for leaving a big pile of cement in the corner. It whispers as i leave for work each morning. "Here i am.. that big ugly pile of rocks you left in the corner." We finally made some calls to see if we could get someone to release me from the grasp of "The Pile." So far the offers are almost as bad as just leaving the pile for the next owner of the house to deal with. The offer on the table is: He drives his big ol' dump truck over to the house. Leaves it over night and WE (two little ladies) load the cement pile into a wheel barrow and roll it out to his big truck and load it for him. Then he shows up the next day to drive it to the dump. And guess how much he wants for this service? 350 BUCKS! Are you kidding?

So there "The Pile" sits. Staring at me. Laughing at me..... taunting me............

BIRTHDAY!!!

2010-02-17T11:03:00.000-08:00

On this day...once upon a time, a little girl was born.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHELLE!!!!!!

sunshine

2010-02-16T17:25:00.001-08:00

We have those lights in the new house...those kind that are in the ceiling? Those little pocket lights? Right. So all of the bulbs in the bedroom are burnt out except for one. The one directly over my pillow. That one particular working light is hooked up to a dimmer switch. This, of course; makes for an irresistible prank for Michelle. She gets up earlier than me and every morning leans in and sloooooooooooooowly raises the light directly over my face as she sings, "Here comes the sun..."

mmmhum. funny. really funny.

HOT

2010-02-10T09:56:00.001-08:00

WE HAVE HOT WATER!!!!!!!!

sit

2010-02-08T13:59:00.003-08:00

Now that there is quite a distance to travel between work and home i have been taking the train in the morning. I must say I'm running into a dilemma that i haven't had to deal with before. If I'm sitting down and an older person gets on the train of course i will get up and let them have my seat. My momma taught me a FEW manners. BUT, how do you gauge how old is old enough to warrant my standing up? I mean, if a lady gets on the train and she's say.. 50? Wouldn't she be insulted by me jumping up and offering my seat? But what if said 50 year old has a bad hip and i don't get up for fear of insulting her? Or...what if an 80 year old man gets on? Am i supposed to offer my seat to a man? Aren't men supposed to offer their seat to me? No matter the age? And what about that guy next to me? Shouldn't he get up before me? I have been so stuck on this question mentally that i just sit there and pretend like i don't see the old people at all. But now I fear retaliation. I'm worried the next time i enter a train I'll be over run by a mob of angry old people whacking me with their walkers and throwing aspirin bottles at me! I'll be known throughout the land as the evil-no-getter-upper.

Iguana

2010-02-04T13:17:00.000-08:00

I read recently that the iguana's in Florida are dropping out of the trees because its too cold for them. I guess they sort of freeze up and cant move until the sun hits their skin. I think i might be part Iguana. I just cant seem to work out in the winter. I can feel the fat building on my thighs with every bite i take of that wholesome winter food. But, seriously...i just cant get myself to do anything about it. I think subconsciously I'm waiting for the sun to hit my skin. I've resolved to just wear bigger pants until April.

still..

2010-02-01T16:21:00.001-08:00

Still no hot water....

basement

2010-01-26T10:46:00.000-08:00

Yep. That's my new basement. Michelle and i moved into the little house in Berkeley on Friday. All went well with the move. We hired movers which seems so terribly decadent but wow! What a difference professional movers can make in your life! They packed us up and delivered our stuff safely to its destination in about 2 hours! It would have taken us a week if we had done it ourselves! And of course we would have to buy our friends a few 12 packs of beer and at least 4 pizzas. So...savings there for sure. Once the movers left we turned on some music and started unpacking. We were so excited to be in our new home! A couple hours into the process Michelle asked if maybe we should go look in the basement. Yah! Lets go look in the basement! I've never had a basement before so that sounded like something new and exciting. We opened the little wooden hatch and...FLOOD!!!!!!!!!!! ITS FLOODED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAIST DEEP!!!!!!!!!!HELP!!! FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!! The pump that is supposed to shoot the water out of the basement in the winter rain was shooting it instead back into the basement like a whirlpool spa. OY VEY. I channeled MacGuyver and grabbed a long pipe to shimmy across to reach the plug to the pump. I didn't want to step into the water just in case i might...you know...electrocute myself. Miraculously, I got to the plug without falling in. I pulled it out of the wall and suddenly...silence. The water stopped pumping. A small victory indeed. I shimmied back and felt a sence of satisfaction. Next up? Plumber! I tried to get a local plumber on the horn. That was another hurdle. Plumbers seem to leave early on Fridays. We finally got one to put down the happy hour drink and swing by for a draining the basement party. But now the next problem was revealed. The water heater was submerged in about 4 feet of water for god knows how long. No hot water. Of course the water heater isn't something this particular plumber can handle at happy hour so we wait...and wait...for another plumber to find time to come and bring us a new one. So no hot showers for us. Which pretty much means no showers at all. Because I'd rather be dirty than stand naked with freezing water splashing on me.

So that's the latest. We have a new home but we are VERY dirty girls.

Warning

2010-01-20T09:39:00.001-08:00

This is what buying a home looks like...

paint

2010-01-11T12:54:00.000-08:00

I've become absolutely addicted to the home and garden network. I love watching people do miraculous home improvement projects all in the span of a half hour. They start out with a run down shack and end up with a palace! After watching hour upon hour of HGTV programming i was ready to paint our tiny apartment. Since we're moving out we have to cover up all the whimsical artwork michelle applied to the walls. I worked ALL weekend on the project and now we have really bland beige walls just the way the building managers like it. But here's the thing. I CANT MOVE! I'M SORE!!! I don't think painting is a natural motion for humans. So i have a suggestion for HGTV...create a program that shows the aftermath of what your body goes thru once you've completed the great overhaul. Now THAT would be reality TV!

Pool Party

2010-01-08T09:32:00.001-08:00

Dear neighbors at 415,
Michelle and i will miss you all terribly when we move to Berkeley. We know crossing the bay bridge is an almost insurmountable obstacle BUT...we've come up with something that i think might just lure you all east. A NAKED POOL PARTY!!!! WEEEEE!!!!!

legal stipulations: Please keep clothing on at all times.

moving

2010-01-05T10:47:00.001-08:00

Its official. The White-Strongs (otherwise known as the Wrongs) are packing it up (packing it in?) and moving across the bay. Yes, to quote a wise dry cleaner from the 70's...we are movin' on up to the east side! We spent every penny we own and bought a little bungalow. We're scared to death but...excited too. See ya on the other side of the bay!

HAPPY 2010!!!!!!

chop to it!

2009-12-24T11:41:00.000-08:00

One more chopping day 'til Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

A Christmas Miracle

2009-12-22T09:44:00.001-08:00

Michelle replaced the toilet paper roll!!!!!!!!!!!! Hallelujah!!!!!!

too hot

2009-12-21T16:37:00.001-08:00

I hate it when you get all bundled up to go out Christmas shopping... happily throwing on layer after layer because god forbid you should be cold while flexing your shopping muscles! A shirt and a sweater and another light sweater over that and then a big puffy coat and a scarf and a fuzzy hat and those really long woolly socks. Warm. Oh yes, warm! But, by the time you're halfway through the mall you're sooooo hot and you cant take off your coat because your hands are full of shopping bags and you start to sweat and then you get in yet ANOTHER check out line and then you REALLY start to sweat and you want to take your coat off soooo bad but now you cant because you have even more bags! AND THEN you get on a bus with a bunch of other people jammed together with all THEIR shopping bags and their giant winter coats and its soooooooo god damn hot in there and then it gets so steamy in the bus that the driver cant see our the windows because they're all fogged up and....

i hate that!